Tag Archives: humor

Sep21

Monday Update: Unintentional MIA Edition

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Monday Update: Unintentional MIA Edition

Howdy everyone and happy Monday! So as you may have noticed, I had an unannounced MIA hiatus this weekend that was purely unintentional. This Monday Update will shed some light on where Lil Red was hiding out at and inform you about all of the other exciting news that I have to share! Enjoy some tunes to hype you up this morning and then let’s discuss:

Last Friday rolled around and things were going just PEACHY. I was working on some homework, sippin on that Arizona green tea, and living my life like the baller I am. And then…something went wrong. I tried to print an assignment with the household wireless printer and unfortunately it didn’t work. I pressed the “print” button at least seventy-three more times only to find that my button clicking effort was made in vain. So I did what any normal twenty-one year old would do…I called my mom for help. #MOMMMMMMMM

Mother dearest entered the dining room on a “fix the printer” mission and that was when things took a turn for the worse. Good ol’ mom began to utilize the classic technique of pressing buttons and unplugging and replugging cords back into the sockets. With all of the powering off and on and pressing every button that looked helpful, the internet ended up shutting down entirely. Don’t ask me how, because I don’t know. And quite frankly, it probably wasn’t even my mom’s fault but everyone at home is enjoying telling her that she broke the internet so we’re just gonna go with it! 😉

Thanks to my mother breaking the internet, I was without the world wide web for the weekend. This prevented me from doing homework, answering to possible clients to write for on Facebook, and most importantly keeping in touch with all of you! But thanks to a handy helper from our chosen internet company, things are back in business at the Lil Red residence. So no, I didn’t make a spur of the moment road trip to Utah or have an unfortunate twenty-four hour flu that left me bedridden…I was just MIA because my internet was down. OH THE CALAMITY! #firstworldproblems

In other news:

  • Yesterday was my one month anniversary with my boyfriend, Kyle, so that’s nice! One month went by really quickly and things are going just swimmingly – so keep your fingers crossed for a bitch that they stay that way!
  • Everything at school is also going really well, too! My classes are swell, my grades are rockin, and I have no complaints!
  • I have a lot of really cool potential clients that might be featured on lifewithlilred, so keep your eyes peeled for more info on that!
  • Oh, and like my Facebook page, THANKS! https://www.facebook.com/lifewithlilred?fref=ts
  • And this one, too! THANKS AGAIN! https://www.facebook.com/britsphotographs?fref=ts

internet

^^^ Basically my face all weekend. #shameful

So there you have it, this week’s Monday Update: Unintentional MIA Edition! I hope all of you had a great weekend and an even better start to your week! What was the craziest thing that happened to you this weekend? Who has a case of the Mondays today? I wanna hear from all of you, so leave me a comment and let’s chat! Much love. -Sarah

Sep18

#Hashtag

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#Hashtag

Hellooooo everyone and TGIF! If you’re familiar with my blog, lifewithlilred, then you’ll know that I have a deep love for the hashtag. No, I don’t have a Twitter, where the hashtag is most commonly found…But that doesn’t stop me from finding it hysterical to post witty words and phrases next to the number sign! Take a look at this funny Jimmy Fallon video on hashtags and then let’s discuss:

Throughout my blog, I primarily use four hashtag phrases to get my point across. They are: #shameful, #blessed, #ihatemyself, and #FML. I thought it would be fun to elaborate further on these by listing some situations where the use of my favorite hashtags are appropriate. Let the hashtagging commence!

#shameful:

  • I ate five items off of the Taco Bell menu and I’m still hungry. #shameful (and sad but true)
  • I wet the bed one time when I was seventeen. #shameful (also sad but true)
  • I find joy in eating spoonfuls of mayonnaise when I’m feeling blue. #shameful
  • Shania Twain karaoke in the shower is how I start my day every day. #shameful

#blessed:

  • Four green lights in a row. #blessed (compliments of Parks & Rec)
  • After an extremely stressful day, I’m so thankful that my BFF, Pizza Hut, was there for me. #blessed (true story, too)
  • My thunder thighs prevented my phone from dropping in the toilet. #blessed
  • I called my home nine times in a row and no one picked up the phone. #blessed (also true)

#ihatemyself:

  • I still make Santa Claus beards out of bubbles when I take a bath. #ihatemyself
  • Nothing is better than pouring nacho cheese all over yourself on a hot day. #ihatemyself
  • I read porno mags as my bedtime stories. #ihatemyself
  • When I get lonely I stroke my hairy legs and pretend that they’re a dog. #ihatemyself

#FML:

  • Walked an entire mile on hot coals. #FML
  • Got caught digging deep in my butt to pick a wedgie while grocery shopping. #FML
  • Got too turnt. Slept in a sewer. #FML
  • Winked at my crush. He thought I was twitching. #FML

parks

^^^ Favorite Parks & Rec episode EVER!!!

So there you have it, some of my favorite #Hashtags and situations where they are not only appropriate but necessary. What are your favorite hashtags to use? What situations can you come up with where #shameful, #blessed, #ihatemyself, or #FML is tweet-worthy? I wanna hear from all of you, so leave me a comment and let’s chat! Much love. -Sarah

Sep17

Wednesday Fun!

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Wednesday Fun!

Howdy everyone and happy Thursday! I had such a fun filled busy day yesterday and I just had to tell you guys all about it! The day started out rocky but ended strong, so check out this track that will make sense to you by the end of the post and let’s discuss:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxoFi5Lie34

All of Tuesday, yesterday, and today I’ve had the unfortunate health issue of conjunctivitis in both of my eyes. It’s been a pain in the ass and it hurts like the dickens. On Tuesday night when I was with my boyfriend I finally decided to take my contacts out, which should have been done at the first signs of redness. I guess better late than never though, considering both of my eyes were blood red and I looked like the spawn of Satan once I realized it was time for the contacts to go. I was hesitant to take them out though because my plan was to drive from his home in Canton to school in Cleveland the following morning and my eyesight isn’t the best. #dangertomyself #andothers

I woke up Wednesday morning with my eyes crusted shut completely, which was a lot of fun! After getting myself ready for school, I deemed my vision safe enough to drive as long as I took it nice and slow. I left my man’s house early so I would have time for a leisurely drive as well as stop home to grab my back up glasses before school. I made my pit stop home, grabbed the dorkiest glasses ever, and headed to Tri-C for my French class. The worst part about wearing my glasses aside from how much I hate them is the fact that I wasn’t able to wear sunglasses during my drive. My face was crumpled into a permanent squinting position which I’m pretty sure gave me premature wrinkling. #SHAMEFUL

I rolled into my French class looking nerdy chic (I hope) but was then struck with the fear of “oh shit, I hope people don’t think I’m stoned”, compliments of my blood shot eyes. Throughout my class I was SO paranoid that I might as well have indulged in a pre-lecture hit of cannabis. “Does she think I’m high? Does he think I’m blitzed? DOES MY BELOVED PROFESSOR THINK I’M STONED?!” A gazillion thoughts of my classmate’s possible judgement were swarming through my head at a rapid speed BUT I still managed to kick major derriere in my class! #OUI 😉

After a semi stressful but nothing that I can’t handle afternoon, it was time for Sister Date Night!! Kristen and I had a sexy evening of dinner and a movie planned and it was so much fun!! I picked her up in the Little Red Love Machine for some fine dining at Taco Bell and a showing of Sinister 2. My sister and I were starving and were so happy to be in the comforting atmosphere of TBell for some binge eating. We shoveled burritos, chalupas, and tacos down our gullets until we fell into the “too full to move” food coma. It. Was. WONDERFUL!

We slowly made our way back to my whip and collapsed into the seats. We unbuttoned our pants to ease the bloating, got ourselves together, and headed to the theater for some scary movie shenanigans. We arrived at the Regal Cinemas and purchased our tickets only to find out that we were eligible for a free popcorn thanks to my Regal Crown Club rewards card. “More food!!!” We got our popcorn from the concession stand and answered with an enthusiastic “YES” when we were asked if we wanted butter on our popcorn. Who doesn’t want butter on their popcorn? Seriously. If it were up to me, I would be able to go behind the concessions counter to pump my own butter just to make sure that each individual piece of popcorn was drenched in sweet, caloric, buttery goodness. #delish

Kristen and I entered our designated theater with our hands full of popcorn and purses full of pop brought from home. As we walked further into the room we saw that we were the only people there! It was so great! Throughout our showing of Sinister 2 we were able to swear, scream, and make off color comments to our hearts content. My personal favorite was when I dared my sister to go pee in a corner…I promise you she didn’t! #pinkieswear

ANYWAYS, the Sinister sequel was scary as fuckkk. I’m a big fan of the first movie, despite how scary I find it and the second one was just as good/terrifying! Kristen and I spent a significant amount of time with our hands covering our eyes and screaming “OH SHIT” at a hefty portion of the film. We had such a blast even though we were so scared! Kristen kept pestering me to spend the night at her apartment and I kept begging her to stay the night at home. We’re basically the two biggest twenty-something babies ever. #noshame #adultbabies

During our drive home, when we weren’t trying to bribe each other into staying the night, Kristen played DJ with my iPod. We jammed to TLC and Britney Spears but the most memorable song she played was “Epiphany” from Sweeney Todd, hence why I posted it at the beginning of the post. Kristen and I love that movie so much and “Epiphany” is our all time favorite song from it. We played it at full volume with our windows down all while singing very poorly. I couldn’t stop laughing for the duration of the song and was almost in tears by the time we were stopped at a red light with good ol’ Sweeney Todd blasting through my speakers. #howaboutashave?

We couldn’t decide where to stay the night at so we went our separate ways to sleep all by our lonesome. All night I was petrified about the evil Bagul lurking in my room or dreams, but I promised myself that if he made an appearance that I would deliver a swift punch right in his suck hole. KA POW! Lucky for me, Bagul must have heard my threats, so I was okay for the night – however, I woke up halfway through my slumber because I had to go to the bathroom and I REFUSED to leave the safety of my blanket fort. I am so thankful that I didn’t wet the bed once I fell back asleep and I woke up refreshed and ready to take on a day of homework! #blessed

meeeee

^^^ I feel like I haven’t posted a pic of myself in a while, so there you go!

So there you have it, a long post about some Wednesday Fun! I had a fabulous Hump Day and I hope all of you are having a great week! What is everyone up to this upcoming weekend? Any big plans? I wanna hear from all of you, so leave me a comment and let’s chat! Much love. -Sarah

Sep10

One Of Those Days

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One Of Those Days

Helloooo everyone and happy Thursday! I, for one, am so glad for a fresh start today, because my Wednesday was stressful as all get out!! Enjoy this terrific song by The Raconteurs to sum up my feelings about yesterday and then let’s discuss:

SO, on Tuesday night, I discovered that the battery to the Little Red Love Machine was completely shot. Thankfully, my dad was able to call AAA to give my baby a jump and got her to the nearest repair shop in time to fix her up. However, this meant that I had literally no gas in my tank to make my drive to Cleveland for school possible. My dear old dad notified me that a gas station that was close to the highway had a decent price, so I decided to go there to fill up. My breath was held the entire time because I was literally running on fumes. I had the LRLM ready to turn left into the station and breathed a big ol’ sigh of relief that I had made it. But, unfortunately, I should have held my breath just a little bit longer.

Halfway through turning into the station, I saw that there was a sign prohibiting left hand turns. “Well shit,” I thought, “good thing there’s no cops around!” But lo and behold, a minute later, a cop pulled in behind the LRLM to tell me what I already knew…That I suck at driving and made an illegal left hand turn. LUCKILY, this cop was AWESOME! The first thing out of my mouth when he approached me was that I knew what I did wrong as soon as I made the turn. I then explained to him my situation of almost being completely out of gas and how I needed to be in Cleveland for school very shortly. I also made sure to call him “sir” a lot! The kind officer checked my license and record and told me that because it was almost flawless (only one speeding ticket, baby!), that he would let me off with a warning and that he hopes I make it to class on time. I was so incredibly thankful to him for being so understanding…But I didn’t make it to school on time. -___-

My French class at Tri-C began at one today and I made it to campus at about 12:45. I hurried into the building that I assumed the class was in and figured that I had enough time to refund a book at the campus bookstore before class started. WRONG! With the influx of students making their purchases and returns, things took longer than anticipated – but I was just too damn far in the process to leave and come back!! By the time I got my refund, I realized that I was in the complete wrong building, a whopping two minutes before class started. Lord have mercy on me…

I power walked my sweet tookus to the right building in the heat, in my all black ensemble, and with a handful of supplies and a full cup of coffee to juggle. I had never been in the building that my French class was in before and I felt like I was in an episode of the Twilight Zone. EVERY HALLWAY LOOKED THE SAME! At this point, I was shweatzing my ass off, my coffee had spilled at least three different times, and my frustration levels were through the roof – the roof, I tell you! I finally made it to class fifteen minutes late looking a hot and sweaty mess. BUT THAT’S NOT ALL!!!

billyy

As I mentioned in previous posts this week, I have completely lost my voice and it refuses to come back. Because of this unfortunate medical malfunction I sounded like a boy who is trapped in the evil clutches of the puberty monster. I was hoarse, squeaky, sweaty, miserable, coughy, shameful, and annoyed – those are the names of the seven dwarfs, right? Anyways, the entire class I felt like a total goon and my throat hurt like the dickens. Can my voice come back now, or? #PLEASE

So obviously, my Wednesday can only be described as One Of Those Days! Lol, it’s whatever! Has anyone had a rough day similar to mine? How is everyone’s week going so far? I wanna hear from all of you, so leave me a comment and let’s chat! Much love. -Sarah

Sep5

Excited For Fall? Me Too!

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Excited For Fall? Me Too!

Heyyy everyone and happy Saturday! Good news, my bitch ass is feeling better! Bad news, Sunday is Lil Red’s blogging day off, as you all know, so allow me to leave you with a fun post for the weekend until the Monday Update and Man Crush Monday posts commence!

With fall on the horizon, every white girl comes out of her spray tanned summer hibernation in search of all things pumpkin flavored. I promise you guys I’m not that girl…You know I would never tan! BUT, I am very excited for the upcoming autumn season, so let me tell you why!

  • PEACOATS!!! Honestly, this is my number one reason why I love fall. I loves me a good peacoat and I can’t wait to put my navy blue, red and blue plaid, and emerald green coat babies to work this season! #peacoatparty
  • Semi-cold weather AKA my favorite type of weather! Summer weather is too hot for a Lil Red, winter is too cold, and spring is too rainy but fall weather…fall weather is just right!
  • Fall clothing in general! This ties into both of the previously mentioned statements but it must be said. Fall. Clothing. Is. The. Best. Point blank, period. I love nothing more than sweet sweaters, cozy cardigans, booties, flannels, chunky scarves, fingerless gloves, the whole shebang. If it’s an article of clothing you can wear in the fall, you bet your sweet ass that I’m excited for it! #betyourbottomdollar #andyoursweetass
  • The colors!!!! Ugh, the autumn color palette makes my heart so warm. Burnt oranges, mustard yellows, deep reds – fabulous on the changing leaves of trees and on those cozy cardigans I just mentioned! Burnt orange has been my latest obsession, so I’m really excited to feed that addiction even more with a fall shopping trip soon!
  • One – ONLY one Pumpkin Spice Latte. Yeah, yeah, such a white girl, I know. But it’s not fall for a suburban girl without one PSL from Starbucks! I’ll be indulging in my pumpkin treat this morning for a coffee date with my dear friend, Tyler. Yum!
  • Halloween – it’s a given. Except I can’t decide on if being Agnes from Despicable Me is a good idea because she’s not particularly slutty…Does anyone have a naughty nurse costume I can borrow? #please??
  • HAUNTED HOUSES! I love them! I love them! I. Love. Them. Fun fact for ya: my first job was working as an actor at a haunted house and I had the time of my life! I also picked up smoking cigarettes there…But that’s beside the point.
  • Fall weather hang outs AKA the best kind of hang outs! I absolutely adore fall time activities! Hiking through the metro parks, scary movie marathons, crafting, drinking apple cider, drinking hard apple cider – it’s all so much fun! Everything increases in enjoy-ability when the air is crisp, your cheeks are flushed, and you’re with some of your favorite people.
  • White girl watching…it’s like people watching, but better! Fall time is the white girl’s peak season to emerge and prosper. The temperatures have dropped which means so have people’s standards! Thus, yoga pants, leggings, and Ugg boots are somehow acceptable to wear in society. May god help us all…But anyways, I always get a kick out of seeing all of the white girls in their flock of spandex pants and boots that were made out of the skin of sheep who were tortured. Bonus points if there’s a Pumpkin Spice Latte in their hands!! #UGHboots

whitegirls

^^^ Current blogging soundtrack, judge me for it. #whitegirl 😉

So there you have it! A few Lil Red Reasons of why I’m Excited For Fall! What is everyone most looking forward to this autumn? Who has some fall time traditions that will be taking place? I wanna hear from all of you, so leave me a comment and let’s chat! Much love. -Sarah

Jul11

Drunk Girl Diaries

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Drunk Girl Diaries

Heyyy everyone and happy Saturday! So last night I was the epitome of white girl wasted which resulted in some classic drunk girl behavior that was too funny not to share! My friend came over last night for what I thought was going to be some casual drinks on the deck but unfortunately, Lil Red went wayyy too hard. We were sipping on some super delicious mixed drinks that didn’t taste alcoholic in the slightest so I was throwing them back like no other. By the time our festivities were over (AKA when our bottle was done), I was throwing up in the bushes in my backyard. Strike one.

I headed back into my house, which I honestly don’t even remember doing and decided to shove some carbs in my face with the hopes that I would feel better. I grabbed a piece of white bread, a bag full of BBQ chips that were miraculously left on the kitchen table, and a cold enchilada leftover from dinner that I didn’t bother heating up. Within two bites of my fresh from the refrigerator enchilada I had to hurl AGAIN. So I made my way to the bathroom and spent at least ten minutes getting acquainted with the toilet. Strike two. I returned to my food only to run into my hard wooden chair which completely fell over and I went down with it. TIMBERRRRRR. I vividly remember my sloppy self saying “Jesus Christ, Sarah” and then I ate my bread and chips like a champ. I was able to keep the food down, so I guess I figured that it would be a good idea to eat eight coconut fudge cookies in a row and go to bed. Big, BIG mistake.

I’m not sure why I thought that it was necessary to eat so many cookies but I just couldn’t help it – they tasted SO good!! So I take my trashy ass self upstairs with a belly full of cookies, bread, and booze. By the time I got myself undressed (which I’m sure went over like a bullet in the skull), I was feeling very woozy but I thought that it would be in my best interest to just get into bed. Big mistake. Within thirty seconds of laying down, the urge to purge was there in full force so I booked it to the bathroom as fast as my wobbly little legs could take me. I spent lots of quality time with the toilet – apparently vodka and coconut cookies don’t mix well together. Strikes three, four, and five.

After I was done vomiting up a storm, I ended up falling asleep on the bathroom floor. I slept like someone who hasn’t seen their bed in a week…and in this case my bed was the hard, tiled floor of the throne room. Lucky for me, I dressed myself like I was getting ready for a trek in the snow when I got into my pajamas so at least I was warm. Drunky Sarah thought that a thick sleep shirt, sweatpants, and a hoodie were an absolute must and I guess it was, considering all of the material provided me with some cushioning! I woke up in the bathroom this morning from my sister walking in to get ready for work. She said, “Sarah, what are you doing in here?” To which I mumbled back, “I don’t know, I guess I fell asleep” and stumbled off to my bed to sleep some more.

Here’s the breakdown of my wastey pants night by numbers:

  • At least 9 shots of vodka
  • 1 glass of wine
  • 8 coconut fudge cookies
  • 5 instances of puking my brains out
  • 1 floral print pair of sweatpants matched with 1 striped hoodie (A perfect combo, obvs.)
  • 2 broken nails (Don’t ask me how, I couldn’t tell ya.)
  • 7 hours of sleep
  • 1 bathroom floor

Honestly, the entire night was simply hilarious to me and even my parents had a good laugh about it – which was shocking. I’m just so thankful that I was white girl wasted in the comfort and safety of my own home. Usually I’m not one to discuss my drunken escapades in such vivid detail on here…But when you wake up on your bathroom floor, something needs to be said! Welcome to the world of a freshly turned twenty-one year old. (My mom said today, “Sarah, I think you’re like a little kid with a new toy with your drinking legality.” I couldn’t have said it better myself.)

I hope that all of you are having a great day so far! What’s everyone up to for the remainder of the weekend? Any fun plans? I wanna hear from all of you, so leave me a comment and let’s chat! Much love. -Sarah

Jul9

Single 4 Lyfe

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Single 4 Lyfe

Heyyy everyone and happy Thursday! So I had a kind of funny experience at a doctors appointment last week that really got me thinking. When the doctor asked my marital status “single for life” came out instead of just “single”. It was such a silly blunder that I got a major laugh out of it but it also got me wondering why fabulous Lil Red is forever alone. This somewhat depressing questioning of myself brought me into a little slump – but then I remembered a few things about myself which ended up reminding me that the best person for me is ME!

1) If anyone is a “One Woman Wolf Pack” then it’s definitely me. You guys might not believe it but I actually dislike a vast majority of people. Surprise! (That’s why I like hanging out with myself, which I fondly refer to as my “one person party”. Welcome to a day in the life, boi.)

2) I’ve never really had a legitimate “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” – just people who I hang around with for a bit until they fuck me over in some way shape or form…Or I get bored. I can’t think of one positive experience that I’ve had with anyone who I’ve casually dated. That’s sad. I also don’t really like being around people whose intentions I can’t read. (As well as people in general). See point one and three. Honestly, I don’t even know how to girlfriend. Like, what do you do? Do you shave the hair on your toes? Do you wear extra deodorant? To fuck if I know.

3) I love myself…Like a lot. Therefore, I don’t like putting myself into situations where I’m bound to get hurt (IE: Every relationship ever). I’m very protective of me! Good looking out, Sarah. Thanks, Sarah.

4) When I want a guy or a girl to acknowledge me I just call myself pretty and take a bubble bath. Works like a charm.

5) I’m not willing to share my Taco Bell with anyone. (I don’t share SHIT.)

titanic

This post was actually supposed to be serious originally but once I started writing I realized that I didn’t want to be one of those annoying twenty-somethings complaining about being single. Thus, a humorous look at Sarah’s Singlehood was born in “Single 4 Lyfe”. So what did this remembrance of some basic truths about Lil Red teach me? That I should probably just start dating myself. Welp…Here it goes…

  • Myself: “Sarah, will you go out with me?”
  • Myself: “Sure.”

SCORE!!!!!!!!!!

I hope that all of you are having an awesome day so far! I also hope that you got a good laugh out of this post! Shout out to all of my forever aloners out there – I’m right there with you! What was the shortest lived relationship that you ever had? What was one if your worst dating experiences? I wanna hear from all of you, so leave me a comment and let’s chat! Much love. -Sarah