Tag Archives: mental health

Jul9

Single 4 Lyfe

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Single 4 Lyfe

Heyyy everyone and happy Thursday! So I had a kind of funny experience at a doctors appointment last week that really got me thinking. When the doctor asked my marital status “single for life” came out instead of just “single”. It was such a silly blunder that I got a major laugh out of it but it also got me wondering why fabulous Lil Red is forever alone. This somewhat depressing questioning of myself brought me into a little slump – but then I remembered a few things about myself which ended up reminding me that the best person for me is ME!

1) If anyone is a “One Woman Wolf Pack” then it’s definitely me. You guys might not believe it but I actually dislike a vast majority of people. Surprise! (That’s why I like hanging out with myself, which I fondly refer to as my “one person party”. Welcome to a day in the life, boi.)

2) I’ve never really had a legitimate “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” – just people who I hang around with for a bit until they fuck me over in some way shape or form…Or I get bored. I can’t think of one positive experience that I’ve had with anyone who I’ve casually dated. That’s sad. I also don’t really like being around people whose intentions I can’t read. (As well as people in general). See point one and three. Honestly, I don’t even know how to girlfriend. Like, what do you do? Do you shave the hair on your toes? Do you wear extra deodorant? To fuck if I know.

3) I love myself…Like a lot. Therefore, I don’t like putting myself into situations where I’m bound to get hurt (IE: Every relationship ever). I’m very protective of me! Good looking out, Sarah. Thanks, Sarah.

4) When I want a guy or a girl to acknowledge me I just call myself pretty and take a bubble bath. Works like a charm.

5) I’m not willing to share my Taco Bell with anyone. (I don’t share SHIT.)

titanic

This post was actually supposed to be serious originally but once I started writing I realized that I didn’t want to be one of those annoying twenty-somethings complaining about being single. Thus, a humorous look at Sarah’s Singlehood was born in “Single 4 Lyfe”. So what did this remembrance of some basic truths about Lil Red teach me? That I should probably just start dating myself. Welp…Here it goes…

  • Myself: “Sarah, will you go out with me?”
  • Myself: “Sure.”

SCORE!!!!!!!!!!

I hope that all of you are having an awesome day so far! I also hope that you got a good laugh out of this post! Shout out to all of my forever aloners out there – I’m right there with you! What was the shortest lived relationship that you ever had? What was one if your worst dating experiences? I wanna hear from all of you, so leave me a comment and let’s chat! Much love. -Sarah

Jul4

Sarah’s Sanity Update

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Sarah’s Sanity Update

Whatsup everyone and Happy Fourth Of July to those that celebrate! So this past week I finally met with a new psychiatrist after I had a disappointing falling out with my old pill pusher of seven years. Long story short, my final appointment with her resulted in me walking out and her never refilling my prescriptions. This ended up being a major shit show because I desperately needed my sleeping pills and antidepressants refilled because my prescription was almost gone. I only had about two days worth of medicine at the time and then I was donezo until I could get someone to fill my prescription. Multiple phone calls were made to my old psychiatrist’s office but she never followed through and at that point I was fresh out of my pills. I’ve been on a very high dose of Trazodone for years because I literally can’t sleep without it and I’ve been on Effexor for close to a year for depression and anxiety. And because my doctor was an asshole, I was without my medicine for almost an entire week….It was legitimately the worst time of my life.

I think people think that I’m exaggerating when I say that I can’t sleep without my pills – but I can’t sleep without my pills. In the five days that I was without my Trazodone I probably slept a total of twelve hours or less. It’s that bad. Some nights I was up all night, other nights I was lucky to catch two hours of sleep. It was just so hard because on top of being completely exhausted from little to no sleep, I was starting to feel the effects of medication withdrawal as well. I went from taking my pills every day for years to stopping them completely without weening myself off. This resulted in flu like symptoms and I was basically in zombie mode for five days. It was honestly pretty scary. I felt like a shell of myself. I was so weak and so fucking tired. I looked like a straight up junkie – my eyes looked hollowed out from the dark circles that appeared from lack of sleep and I had no appetite so I was barely eating which made me look very frail and paler than usual. I was a hot, hot mess. Thankfully on day six of no meds, the emergency psychiatrist on call at a local hospital looked through my files and felt comfortable refilling my prescriptions. She was seriously an angel and that first night of being able to sleep again was the most amazing thing in the entire world.

That paragraph doesn’t even begin to describe the physical turmoil and mental exhaustion that my sleepless nights resulted in thanks to my ex-psychiatrist. So when I met with my new one this week and told her about what happened she was extremely sympathetic and began asking me more questions about my sleeping habits. She then diagnosed me with insomnia which was never brought up with my old doctor. I’ve always known that my sleeping problems were more severe than just the occasional sleepless night. Sometimes I can’t sleep even when I do take my medicine, which is enough Trazodone to knock out a horse. It was very comforting to have my issue diagnosed with an actual name. I never really brought up the “I word” with my old psychiatrist because I figured that after seven years she would have diagnosed me by now. So being seen by someone with a fresh pair of eyes who was able to address the problem within fifteen minutes of meeting me felt awesome. This brings me immense relief because now I know that no matter what psychiatrist I end up at in the next few years I’ll never have to argue to keep my dose of sleeping pills high or have to explain myself about it.

I definitely feel a lot better after meeting with my new psychiatrist and feel very comforted in knowing that I have this new diagnosis in my file now. I really liked my new doctor and am looking forward to my next appointment with her! I hope that all of you are having a fabulous day so far! Are you celebrating the Fourth Of July? Are you up to anything fun this weekend? I wanna hear from all of you, so leave me a comment and let’s chat! Much love. -Sarah

Jun25

Lil Red Path Of Righteousness

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Lil Red Path Of Righteousness

Whatupp everyone and happy Thursday! I feel like I’ve discussed a lot of really fun subjects lately, but have any of them really described how I’m personally feeling? (Other than drunk…welcome to the blog of a freshly turned twenty-one year old!) The answer is NO, so I figured now would be a good time to tell you all about the direction my life is heading in that I so lovingly bestowed the title the Lil Red Path Of Righteousness upon. What is the #LRPOR you might ask? I’m so glad you did!

What it is: The LRPOR is the way that I choose to live my life…Or am trying to live my life, anyways. It’s all about accepting where I am at the moment and not comparing myself to others. I find that one of my biggest character flaws is constantly playing the compare and contrast game with people – friends, family, complete strangers…and that needs to stop ASAP. No one but me knows what’s right for me, so I need to start trusting my own judgement more because I’m actually a lot smarter than I give myself credit for. I’m honestly a lot more of everything than I give myself credit for – pretty, personable, witty, talented…But I’m such a modest person and sometimes my self esteem isn’t the best so I need to start showing myself a bit more love. Because the LRPOR is a lifestyle focus on self acceptance I’m hoping that my self esteem will get to a steady place. My fingers are also crossed that with this new habit of embracing myself that my urges to self harm or purge will diminish. I haven’t had any incidents of mutilation in a while, but unfortunately I still think about it a lot. The constant battle of willpower to not cut or vomit is exhausting so if the urges were to decrease even slightly, then that would be a victory in itself. So not only is the Lil Red Path Of Righteousness a way to get me to appreciate myself but it’s also a safety plan to keep my urges at bay. It’s a win, win, win, win situation!

^^^ Current blogging soundtrack!

lilred

^^^ #lilred #beentrill

So is success from following on the Lil Red Path Of Righteousness going to happen over night? No. But I’m glad I have a game plan for the time being! Now all I can do is continue to walk along the LRPOR (which I like to think of as a red bricked road) and keep on doing my best! I hope all of you are having a fabulous day so far! What’s a personal lifestyle choice that you follow? Do you have a name for it? I wanna hear from all of you, so leave me a comment and let’s chat! Much love. -Sarah

May25

Monday Update: Mehhh Edition

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Monday Update: Mehhh Edition

Heyyy everyone and happy Memorial Day! (Warning: This post contains references to eating disorders – if that makes you uncomfortable feel free not to read!)

So I’ve been having an admittedly rough time with food lately. I’ve been restricting a lot and the worst part is, is that it doesn’t really bother me…which isn’t good at all. It’s so bad how it’s almost fun to me to see how long I can go without having a bite to eat. During the day I’ll drink at least one glass of a beverage with calories in it like lemonade or orange juice so I can get some sugar in me, but other than that I feel like I’ve put myself back on the “no meal a day” diet – along with a lot of cigarettes. I feel like this struggle would bother me a lot more if I wasn’t seeing visible physical changes every day that I go without food…more prominent collarbones, protruding hip bones – I straight up revel in the pleasure I get from looking in the mirror and seeing something other than fat. During my years of being bulimic, I always told myself that I could never dabble in anorexic behaviors because I didn’t have the will power to do it. But now that I have achieved going days in a row without eating it’s almost like I’ve gained a new skill which is weirdly exciting to me. I remember when the celebrity Meghan Trainer got a lot of backlash for saying that she wasn’t “strong enough” to be anorexic – and she’s right…it’s not a weak mans disorder, so the fact that I have the mental strength that some people just don’t have makes me feel good. Yesterday when I got home in the evening I told myself I would eat, but the thought of eating was disgusting to me and I lost my appetite. I’m one of those people who physically can’t eat if I’m not hungry – I just can’t do it, so when I got home and my appetite was completely gone, I saw no point in making myself eat. Anorexia was always an appealing disorder to me during my extreme cutting and bulimic stages because it was something that no one else would really notice. Losing weight is a good thing to most people, so the disorder could go unrecognized as opposed to the obvious slashed wrists or retching in the bathroom. You guys are probably reading this and thinking about how “crazy” I am and yada yada yada – and I know I’m not making the best choices for myself…But unfortunately, I find joy in these poor decisions which makes it even harder to stop. I know I keep saying that I should go to therapy, but it’s just so unappealing to me. I’m not interested in digging up my past for the millionth time with a different therapist out of the countless ones that I’ve seen before. It really is a cycle of complete misfortune, jumping from one method of self harm to the next – but I just haven’t the faintest idea on what to do when I feel like nothing but beating myself up makes me feel better. Ugh, sorry guys that was so heavy but I really needed to vent…I always find it easy to be super open with my thoughts, struggles, and the way I’m feeling – but it was especially easy typing this considering my iTunes has been playing the most emo music in my collection on shuffle for the past half hour. Lol, shameful.

-____________-

I hope all of you guys are having a fabulous Memorial Day! Do you have any exciting plans for the day? How was everyone’s weekend? I want to hear from all of you, so leave me a comment and let’s chat! Much love. -Sarah

May2

Food Glorious Food

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Food Glorious Food

Hellooo everyone and happy Saturday! So as you guys know, these past few weeks have been pretty rough for Lil Red. I unfortunately resorted to some not so good habits as far as food goes. I was hella restricting what I ate every day for the past two weeks or so. I was only eating one small meal half way through the day and that was it. When I get stressed out I find comfort in heavily controlling my food consumption. For the first week or so it felt awesome having so much control over something even if it was as simple as how much I was eating. But on week two of my “one meal a day” diet, I was starting to feel absolutely miserable. I was exhausted, weak, and fucking starving. One incident that really stood out to me was when I was sitting at the kitchen table with my mom while she was eating lunch and I was eating nothing. She was having leftover Aladdin’s which is one of my all time favorite places to eat and I almost started crying looking at her plate of pita and felafel. My mouth filled with drool, my eyes were welling up with tears, and my stomach felt like it was going to collapse on itself with hunger. My mom kept offering me a bite and all I wanted to do was devour her whole plate, but instead I refused and ran up to my room to avoid the temptation. And don’t even get me started on watching my family enjoy a bowl of gorgeous strawberries that I told myself I “couldn’t” eat because it wasn’t part of my diet plan. All of the turmoil I was feeling from being surrounded by delicious food that I could look at but not touch always seemed to balance out when I would look in the mirror and see how skinny I was getting. I’m a small girl to begin with – 5’1 1/4 and barely over 110 pounds but I loved watching my body deteriorate into the “unhealthy” skinny territory. But then something changed. I was doing math homework this past Thursday and I felt like I was going to pass out. It was scary to feel like I was going to lose consciousness from sitting at the dining room table and feverishly writing out solutions to equations – that hardly counts as physically stimulating. Once my vision started going fuzzy and my head was pounding I stood up and made my way to the kitchen for something to eat, even though it wasn’t time for my only meal of the day. I opened the fridge and pulled out the plate of leftover vegetable enchiladas that I was fantasizing about for the past week and seriously couldn’t handle the anticipation of waiting for the food to heat in the microwave. Once my enchiladas were heated and I took my first bite I could literally feel the energy flowing back into my body. My head felt clear, the incessant rumbling in my stomach ceased, and the pounding sensation that I was feeling behind my eyeballs went away completely. After the enchilada incident, I decided that my “one meal a day” diet sucked ass and began to allow myself to eat more every day. The first few meals that I had afterwards were orgasmic. The microwave pizzas and bowls of cereal never tasted better. The glasses of milk never tasted creamier and don’t even get me started on the strawberries that I annihilated yesterday. Delicious. You never realize how amazing the food you’re eating tastes until you go to such extreme measures to restrict yourself from it. Even the not so good food was like a symphony on my taste buds. As I write this now, I anticipate lunch time with so much zeal and excitement I can barely focus. So I guess that means that it’s time to eat! Fuck a “one meal a day” diet!

I hope all of you guys are having an amazing day!! As you read in my last post, I’m going to see The Used tonight in Cleveland and I CAN’T WAIT!!! I’m looking forward to telling you guys all about it! What’s your favorite food in the whole wide world? What’s your favorite restaurant to eat at? I want to hear from all of you, so leave me a comment and let’s chat! Much love. -Sarah

Apr29

What Nobody Tells You (You, Me, & an Eating Disorder Makes Three)

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What Nobody Tells You (You, Me, & an Eating Disorder Makes Three)

Warning: This post contains references to eating disorders (as clearly stated in the title), if that makes you uncomfortable then don’t read it!

Hey there everyone and happy Hump Day! So I got a lot of really positive feedback from a bunch of people about my post What Nobody Tells You (A Self Harm Story), so I figured why not make an eating disorder edition as well. As most of you know already, I was an avid bulimic for over three years. I haven’t had a slip up in quite some time, but that doesn’t change the fact that purging crosses my mind constantly. There were so many things that I wish people would have told me before I started a downward spiral into an eating disorder, but I had to learn all of it on my own. So consider this post a battle tactic of me trying to scare any of you who are considering bulimia out of it – because it truly is a life ruiner. If someone would have told me everything I’m about to tell you, maybe my situation today would be a lot different. Nobody told me that my fingers would prune after twenty minutes of being shoved down my throat. Nobody told me that the smell of vomit would linger on my fingers if I didn’t pull them out if my mouth in time. Nobody told me how completely unglamorous bulimia was. It’s not a “super model” disorder by any means. There’s nothing beautiful about your back cowering over a toilet with a tear streaked face. There’s nothing sexy about yellow teeth and remnants of puke around your lips. Nobody ever told me that the sound of retching could be heard over the shower tap running, causing my mom to have to monitor my showers and when I used the restroom. Having your mom standing sentinel outside the bathroom door so you don’t puke your brains out is the polar opposite of living glamorously. No one told me that the dentist would be able to tell I was bulimic by the acid erosion on my teeth. No one told me that getting x-rays on my throat is recommended because I could be giving myself cancer of the esophagus. No one ever told me that all of the pleasure of eating would be wiped out completely once you sold your soul to throwing up after every meal. No one told me that constant acid reflux would leave my breath smelling like vomit all day. And most importantly, no one ever told me that my eating disorder would become an entirely separate entity. It controlled everything. What I ate, when I ate, who I ate around, absolutely no eating in public, how long I should puke for, how much I should try to puke out – the cycle was never ending. My eating disorder was a cruel, sick dictator who left me feeling worthless and disgusting and filled my mind with thoughts of purging as soon as food touched my lips. I wish I could say that I don’t think about vomiting a lot, but I do. Just like I mentioned with cutting, bulimia is something that I’m going to have to carry with me for my entire life. And just like cutting, it fucking sucks.

If you still feel the urge to purge even after reading my tidbits of what I personally learned from a long struggle with bulimia, then please also remember: Being bulimic can cause so many different types of cancer – the stomach, esophagus, and mouth just to name a few – so keep that in mind if you’re so much as considering starting a life altering and ultimately life shattering disorder.

Like I said earlier, I haven’t had any instances of bulimia for a while, which I am so thankful for. And please remember that I’m always here to talk if you need it and I urge you to get help with your destructive struggles from a friend or professional. Have a wonderful day! Much love. -Sarah

Apr28

What Nobody Tells You (A Self Harm Story)

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What Nobody Tells You (A Self Harm Story)

Warning: This post contains references to self harm, if it makes you uncomfortable – don’t read it!

As you guys know, I had a slip up this past week in my self harm sobriety. I realized that during quite a few of my posts I may have glamorized cutting in terms of the way it feels – referring to it as euphoric, heavenly, ect. And yes, it does feel that way to me, but there’s nothing glamorous by any means about it – or what you feel after the deed is done. I’ve seen countless posts and articles online that only discuss how cutting feels during the act of it, but nothing really mentions how you feel after. So let this post be a battle tactic for me to try and scare some of you guys out of even considering self harm for a second. Some people may think that self harm is a quick fix to all of your stressers, but the aftermath is only going to add on to your turmoil ten fold. No one tells you how the first shower you take after you cut burns your injuries like a thousand suns. No one tells you that when you dry your body off afterwards you have to be careful not to get any fibers from the towel in your wounds. No one tells you that your cuts remain an unsightly, infected red for days on end. No one told me that my skin around my incisions was going to get dry as it regenerates and flake off every time I touch it. No one ever told me that the waiting game for how long it will take your cuts to heal goes on for weeks on end. It’s been six days and I still have to disguise my arm with long sleeve shirts, hoodies, and jackets in the middle of spring. No one ever told me that wearing too many bracelets on your hurt wrist was a dead give away that you indulge in self harm – because no matter how hard you try to cover your cuts up, there’s always going to be just a little bit of a hardened scab showing through the beads. But most importantly, no one ever told me and probably has never told you about the looks of disappointment you get from loved ones if they happen to catch a glimpse of your war wounds. There’s nothing that makes me feel lower.

Feeling like you still might want to try to hurt yourself? Let me continue…

No one ever EVER tells you that one single cut can result in a lifetime of addiction. I started cutting when I was eleven or twelve and here I am almost nine years later still struggling. DO NOT end up like me – a twenty something who still fantasizes about hurting herself every time a major problem occurs. Because believe me, ten seconds of heaven is so not worth a constant every day struggle. It fucking sucks. I’ve had people ask me how I’m so comfortable being so open about my own personal situation on the world wide web, and if you’re asking that question about this particular post, then here’s my answer: I wish that someone told me everything that I mentioned above before I self harmed for the first time. Maybe then my situation today would be a lot different.

I hope all of you guys are having a fabulous Tuesday. If you’re struggling with anything at all, I urge you to confide in someone immediately. I’m starting up in therapy again soon and I’m pretty excited – but any confidant will do! And just know that I’m always, always here if you need someone to talk to! Much love. -Sarah

Apr25

When I Get Sad I…

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When I Get Sad I…

When I get sad I…….

Remember that everyone who works at the nail salon I go to loves me. 😉

Think about how hard I work at getting my college degree, which pays off in my straight A’s.

Look through my fabulous wardrobe filled with dresses, shirts, skirts, pants, and accessories in every shape, size, color, and pattern imaginable. Nothing makes me happier than piecing together quirky/cool new outfits to wear on the daily.

Examine all of my tattoos and piercings and remember how much pain I was in each time, but how awesome the end results are.

Think about my crazy family who drives me absolutely mental, but who I couldn’t live a day without.

Go through my archives of friendship memories with my best girl and guy friends and laugh over the millions of inside jokes accumulated over the years.

Go to Taco Bell.

Drink wine in moderation….yeah right. 😉

Pamper myself, because a bitch deserves it and my red hair has to be ridiculously bright at all times.

Get myself dolled up – dress, heels, red lipstick for days and go run errands while looking like a super sassy woman on the go.

Write, write, write whether it be on my blog, or a journal, or just random doodles on a scrap of paper.

Remind myself that things probably won’t get any worse. Lol, #optimist

Curl up in my blankets, pretend that I’m a burrito, and ponder the meaning of life.

Shave my legs, no matter HOW MUCH I hate it…which is a lot. (Nothing says ladylike like some smooth leggies!)

Cook a delicious dinner and watch my family enjoy it. (Which I’ll be doing today, because I just made a really yummy looking red lentil soup. I cooked for two hours this afternoon all while wearing a dress. Hello, housewife!)

Visit my favorite elderly friend at the retirement home, because it shows me that I’m capable of making somebody’s day. (And because I love her so much!)

Binge read a book to take me to a world that isn’t Akron, Ohio. (I’m currently reading The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman and it’s amazing! I started it yesterday and am halfway through already!)

Remember that no one will ever, ever be me…Sarah (AKA Lil Red). A fabulous, sassy, smart, stylish, witty, caring, kind, generous, determined, and strong willed young lady.

This post was inspired by a Facebook status that I made today that read “When I get sad I remember that everyone who works at the nail salon I go to loves me, then I feel better. (insert cigarette emojis here)” I thought it would be a fun blog post and a good way to remind myself of ways to make me happy, so I took the idea and ran with it. What are some things that you do to cheer yourself up after a rough day? What’s your favorite comfort food to eat when you’re sad? (Mine is obviously Taco Bell). I would seriously love to hear from all of you, so leave me a comment and let’s chat! Much love. -Sarah

piggie

^^^Omg. Cuteness overload!!!!!!

Apr23

Soooooo…..

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Soooooo…..

Hey everyone and Happy Thursday. So let’s start with some good news to get a bummer of a post started and then we’ll go from there. I got my very first 100% on a math quiz today since like the fifth grade, so that’s pretty exciting! I was seriously so proud of myself I could have cried! Now, onto the sad stuff… (WARNING: This post contains references to self harm, so feel free to not read it!)

I had a bad night last night and ended up having a bit of a slip up on my self harm sobriety. Honestly, things are going to shit at home and I feel so overwhelmed I can’t even take it. I’m not going to put my family’s privacy on the line so I’m not going to go into detail about what’s going on, but just know that it fucking sucks. Things have been not so great for a while, but yesterday night it just seemed unbearable. People were crying, question after question was being asked to get to the bottom of the problem that was happening, it was all just one gigantic shit show. The thing is, the stuff that was occurring really didn’t even have to do with me, but I constantly get thrown into the middle to act as a mediator or messenger or whatever the hell and it just gets SO stressful. I’m always getting problems that I don’t want tossed at me like it’s nothing and I just can’t take it. So last night I was laying in bed with so many different thoughts swarming around in my head like an army of flies. I was worried sick about everything, I was thinking of possible solutions to the millions of difficulties, I was trying to think about anything but cutting…but it didn’t work. Literally as soon as I got the idea in my head I got up, turned the light on, and grabbed my chosen sharp object. I haven’t cut probably since the beginning of February, but the thought of backtracking was only in my mind for a split second, because as soon as I made the first incision I was in heaven. Seriously, it was euphoric and I fucking hate that it feels that way to me. Slicing up my arm should hurt, but it doesn’t. I get into this void like place in my mind where I think about nothing, and I only snap back to reality when I realize I’m bleeding and my arm feels like it’s on fire. The worst part is, is that I didn’t even feel bad about it last night. After I was through doing what I had to do all I could think about was the fact that my arm hurt and that took away all of the other thoughts flying through my mind at a hundred thousand miles per hour. I’m paying the consequences now because I feel like shit about it, but I know that I can’t beat myself up about it for forever. If I get into the guilt trip mode I’ll just keep on slipping up and I can’t have that. So now it’s time to just take the situation for what it is and get back on the horse and try again. It just sucks that it’s always so fucking hard.

^^^^ My sister and I are seeing The Used in concert in Cleveland in like two weeks and I’m so excited! My emo kid fantasy is finally coming true!!!

Sorry that was such a bummer guys, but I really needed to vent about it before I go on with my day. I hope all of you are having a beautiful Thursday and please know that if any of you ever need to talk, I’m always ALWAYS here! What’s going on this weekend? Any exciting plans happening? I wanna hear something fun from all of you so leave me a comment and let’s chat! Much love. -Sarah

Apr10

On A Serious Note

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On A Serious Note

Hey there everyone and TGIF! So yesterday when I got home from hanging out with a friend, I checked my Facebook and saw a message from an old friend of mine in regards to my blog. I was complimented on my writing style and most importantly I was told that my own personal struggles with my eating disorder, depression, and self harm were extremely relateable. I felt a lot of things when I read that message…I was grateful that this person liked reading my blog and I felt awesome that my writing was being complimented but I also felt sad that my messenger could relate to some of the problems that I struggle with. So this is me getting on my lifewithlilred soap box to discuss some of my difficulties in the hopes that at least one of you will find solace in the fact that you’re not alone if you can relate to what I’m saying. (Note that this post contains a lot of references to self mutilation. If that makes you uncomfortable, you don’t have to read it!)

I’ve struggled with self harm since I was twelve and my bulimia began when I was around sixteen. I can remember feeling depressed and extremely anxious from as young as ten years old. During the times when I would indulge in my mutilation, I was convinced that it was the only way to make me feel better. I found euphoria in cowering over a toilet with a tear streaked face or holding a sharp object to my arms, legs, or hips and making myself bleed. Sometimes I still think that it’s the only way that I’ll feel okay after something goes wrong. I loved the sense of control that I had over my own personal pain. In my teenage years and even now as an almost twenty-one year old adult there’s so much going on around me that hurts me but I can’t control it. I almost lusted over the fact that I could be in charge of some of the pain that I was feeling. I had this really destructive “if you hurt me, I’ll hurt me too” mentality. I took comfort in the fact that when something upsetting happened, I could take the focus of my pain elsewhere and inflict it on myself. Constant self harm began to make me feel numb enough that eventually sucky situations didn’t even have an impact on me anymore. I walked through life like a zombie, and I was constantly looking for my next fix of mutilation. There came a point when I was vomiting after almost every meal and cutting up to three or more times a day. I would indulge in my addiction anywhere – home, school, work…it didn’t matter, as long as I had my fix I didn’t care where I was…

I’ve been relatively self harm free for about a year now, but I had a lot of set backs this winter. As of now I haven’t cut or purged for over a month which I’m feeling really good about. The message I received last night made me think about some of the darkest years of my life, and how thankful I am to be past them. I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I don’t think about self harm constantly, because that’s not the case. In the popular Canadian teen soap opera Degrassi, which was one of my favorite shows as a teenager, there was a character named Ellie who was a cutter. In one of the episodes after she was self harm free for a while she told someone “I’m always going to be a cutter” and that really stuck with me. It really is so true. Even though I’ve been sober for over a month, there’s still going to be the constant yearning for a quick fix to feeling sad or out of control. After a big meal, there’s always going to be the temptation to go and make myself vomit. This is something I’m going to have to live with for years to come until I feel completely okay with myself and confident in my ability to handle a tough situation without self harm. It’s hard to always have the devil on your shoulder telling you to hurt yourself, but every day that I resist it is one more day of sobriety and that’s something that I don’t want to fuck up. I guess the point of this post is that I want all of you to know that I’m here if you ever need to talk. I promise you that I’ll be able to empathize with your situation probably more than you know and that no judgement will ever be passed onto you. I urge all of you to seek help if you suffer from some type of addiction – whether it be drugs, alcohol, self harm, gambling – whatever. Confide in a friend, family member, or therapist because it’s one of the best things that you can do for yourself. I promise.

On that note, let’s get hyped with a song that many people love or love to hate, for that matter….

YOU’RE GONNA HEAR ME ROAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!!!

I hope all of you have a wonderful Friday and an even better weekend! What are your plans? What’s one of your favorite feel good anthems? I want to hear from all of you, so leave me a comment and let’s chat! Much love. -Sarah