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American Horror Story: Hotel “Lil Red’s Farewell”

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American Horror Story: Hotel “Lil Red’s Farewell”

Helloo everyone and a very happy evening to all of you! Alright, guys. No one can say I didn’t try. NO ONE. But, on this ninth episode of American Horror Story: Hotel, “She Wants Revenge”, I am throwing in the towel. I refuse to spend any more time on this season. Therefore, I’m renaming tonight’s episode, “Lil Red’s Farewell”.

boohoo

Week after week you guys have tuned in for my reviews and opinions on the new episodes of AHS and I am so humbled and appreciate it greatly. However, it doesn’t feel right putting aside an hour for a television show that’s below sub par. During tonight’s new episode, all I could think of was how much I wanted to crawl into bed and crack open Stephen King’s “Cell”, which I began rereading yesterday. I was craving genuine horror as opposed to the soap opera dramatics that AHS has been delivering every week with episodes that have consistently disappointed.

Not only has this season bored me to tears BUT these posts have been boring me as well. Don’t get me wrong, if I was loving the season it would be different – but it’s so hard to crank out similar posts for every episode when nothing exciting is really happening. During Freak Show, I lived for my Wednesday night articles on the new episodes…So you know something is wrong when I dread firing up the ol’ laptop after epis of Hotel!

I gave this season my best shot and the benefit of the doubt for nine weeks, but enough is enough. I now plan on spending my Wednesday nights tucked in with a good book or perhaps watching some old slasher films. I have an insatiable urge to absorb entertainment of quality and Hotel has done nothing to satisfy this. So, that’s that. I bid you farewell, American Horror Story: Hotel because I’m breaking up with you for good this time. Better luck on season six! Now cue the music!

So there you have it, the final post on American Horror Story: Hotel, “Lil Red’s Farewell”. Now if you’ll excuse me, Cell and a midnight snack is calling my name! What are your opinions on this season of AHS? Who has given up on the show? Who is a die hard Hotel fan? I wanna hear from all of you, so leave me a comment and let’s chat! Much love. -Sarah

PS: Don’t you worry about what I’ll be filling the Thursday and Friday slots on lifewithlilred with! I have some very fun upcoming posts up my sleeve! ❤ 🙂

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I’ll Tell You What I Thought, What I Really Really Thought (AHS Episode 7)

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I’ll Tell You What I Thought, What I Really Really Thought (AHS Episode 7)

Alright everyone, I need you to know that I’ve tried – but I can’t do it anymore. I’m going to go right out and say it: This season SUCKS. Believe me, I’ve tried SO hard to get into it. I’ve had faith week after week that the episodes are going to get better, but alas, they’re not and I’m thoroughly disappointed. The newest episode of American Horror Story: Hotel entitled “Flicker” will receive my lowest ratings of the season with: half a star. “Why?” You might ask. Well, let me tell ya:

Where is the horror?!: Yes, this season has boasted some terrible and shameful scenes, however, I wouldn’t classify Hotel as “scary” in the slightest. Yes, things get a little bit gory on the show – but is that truly frightening? No. There hasn’t been one moment during season five where I’ve truly been scared and therefore, I’m not a fan. “Flicker” offered quite a lengthy back story on the Countess as well as a possible lead on the Ten Commandments Killer and that’s about it. Did anything really “happen” in the episode? No, not really. I was bored to tears. #sorrynotsorry

Where is the plot going?!: What is this season even about? Lol, seriously someone please enlighten me because the multiple plots that have been introduced are going nowhere fast. There hasn’t been one solid and steady plot throughout the entire season and to me, that’s unacceptable. I have no idea where the episodes are going and what they have to do with the big picture. It’s so evident that Ryan Murphy bit off more than he can chew and I think it was a big mistake casting Lady Gaga. All the Countess seems to do on the show is offer a fashionable presence, which I feel is exactly what she wanted. As I’ve said multiple times, give me Jessica Lange or give me nothing because this show is a flop without her.

boohoo

Where is the acting?!: As a person who loves the theater, I hate “hating” on actors – but the acting on Hotel is sub par at best. Sarah Paulson is dull. Wes Bentley is dull. Chloe Sevigny is dull. Lady Gaga is dull. It’s all very very boring. All of the characters seem to be talking but saying nothing and frankly, it looks like all of the actors were half asleep when they were shooting because their eyes are all glazed over and they look just as confused as the viewers. What drew me in to American Horror Story was that it was a television show that had really phenomenal  actors – and most of the actors on Hotel are phenomenal but they just aren’t bringing it. No one is doing it for me and I’m just completely over it.

*Breaths deeply*…Wow, I really needed to get that off of my chest because it’s been building up for a PHAT minute. As mentioned earlier, episode seven – “Flicker” received half a star for poor acting, a crummy story line, and an overall snooze fest of an episode. Better luck next week, AHS.

I Told You What I Thought, What I Really Really Thought of episode seven of American Horror Story: Hotel, “Flicker”, and now it’s your turn! What are your thoughts on the episode and season in general? Who do you think is the Ten Commandments Killer? I wanna hear from all of you, so leave me a comment and let’s chat! Much love. -Sarah

PS: For the record, I don’t think that John Lowe is the Ten Commandments Killer. I know a lot of people think so but it just seems like too obvious of a choice for him to be the TCK. #quotemeonit

American Horror Story: Hotel “Flicker”

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American Horror Story: Hotel “Flicker”

Hellooo everyone and welcome to the synopsis post of the newest episode of American Horror Story: Hotel entitled “Flicker”. As you guys know, I don’t care for season five too much but now is not the time for opinions because I’m here to give you all of the facts from episode seven. We learned a lot of new intel on the hotel so let’s get to it:

They’re in the walls, HELPPPP: Tonight’s episode began with Will Drake overseeing the renovations to the Cortez. As he chats with his son about the possibility of him marrying the Countess (his blonde lady friend), he’s interrupted by a worker who tells him that he’s going to have to see a discovery that they made for himself. The walls that were currently being broken down were lined with one solid inch of steel. Drake tells the workers to get it torn down ASAP because he’s running on a tight schedule and leaves the unfortunate gentlemen to it.

Once the workers have created an opening in the steel with their handy dandy welding tools they enter what appears to be an abandoned hallway. “It smells like shit in here”, complains Guy #1. “No, it smells like death”, says Guy #2. As soon as the gentlemen venture deeper into the hallway, they are attacked and killed by two very old and very thirsty vampires. #bummer

Life is hard for Detective Lowe: While hella murders are going on at the Cortez, John Lowe is safely tucked away in a mental hospital being evaluated. While talking to a psychologist he confides that he “feels like everything is closing in” on him, which he blames on his current situations with Alex, Scarlett, and work. We then learn that John decided he “needs professional help” after he attacked a fellow detective who caught him in the office building looking at the information on the Ten Commandments Killer. #yikes

The Countess’s back story: Hotel manager, Iris, takes the Countess to inspect the new discovery in the walls of the Cortez and is shocked to see genuine fear strike the face of the fearless lady vamp. With a new found knowledge on her back story that begins all the way back in old Hollywood, it’s easy to understand why.

We are taken to a set for a silent film where the Countess plays an extra and Finn Wittrock AKA Valentino plays the dashing male lead. The Countess ogles at the hunk for most of the shooting and is then delivered a message that he would like her to join him for dinner that evening. She happily accepts and we find ourselves in the magnificent home of Valentino where the starlets engage in conversation about film. “I think the flickers are the future”, the Countess gushes, “to be immortal is to be up on that screen.”

After a small spoken error which Valentino blames on his poor English, he offers his hand for the Countess to join him in a dance and they get their groove on. As things are getting hot and heavy as far as dance moves go, Valentino’s wife walks into the room which shocks the Countess because she was under the assumption that they were divorced. Once some mild cattiness passes from the wife to the Countess, she tells her that “gods have appetites” and then the women dance, kiss, and have a nice little menage-a-trios with Valentino. #wawawoowewa

Thanks to this wild night in pleasure town, the Countess is in love but she declines to tell her girlfriend about the lucky man (and woman) while they attend a party for the opening of the Cortez. James March pops some champagne and all seems to be going well until a newsie reports that the actor Valentino is dead. Stricken with grief, the Countess runs out of the room and to the nearest window and prepares to jump. But does she do it? NO, she doesn’t because she is grabbed by March and helped back into the building. “Let me go”, she cries. “No, I don’t suppose I will”, March replies. “In fact, I may never let you go”.

Time passes and we are now in cemetery where socialites are discussing the newspaper rumors of a “Lady In Black” who apparently comes to Valentino’s resting place and leaves a single red rose every day. Their gossip is stopped short, however, once the Countess appears, donned completely in black. As she places her rose, she realizes that one of the ladies is Valentino’s wife. The Countess bitterly remarks that she wasn’t even at the funeral to which the wife curtly replies, “why would I go to a funeral for a man who isn’t even dead”? And then, Valentino appears.

The Countess is shocked, obviously, and the handsome devil says that it was his stunt double that died and was buried like it was nothing. (Take note that Valentino mostly did his own stunts!) The couple informs the Countess that they know of her marriage to March that happened shortly after the “death” of Valentino. “If I was to live in a world of grief”, she says, “I wanted to be surrounded by beautiful things”. We then see a montage of wild sex and the Countess walking in on March tending to a recently murdered body. She then encourages her hubby to select people of wealth to kill and that she wants to watch next time. #hubbahubba

Valentino then shares his side of the story, which took place while he was on a promotional tour for one of his upcoming films. Every location that he traveled to via train he was followed by a solitary man who wasn’t a reporter. Valentino began seeing him everywhere until one night he awoke to find him in his room. The man explains that he was some fancy pants director and that soon silent films would be no more. He wanted to preserve Valentino’s perfection and then turned him.

After Valentino was turned, rumors began to spread that he was very sick and he did nothing to stop them. Once he returned home, he turned his wife and now they are here as a chic vampire couple offering to turn the Countess. She accepts this offer and believes that they will be together forever. The trio indulges in some good old fashioned blood drinking against a stained glass window and Mr. March happens to see the whole thing.

So what happens next? I’m so glad you asked! As the Countess and March meet up for their monthly dinner together, we learn what happened to the beautiful couple that the Countess was so smitten with. After March sees her with Valentino and his wifey he has both of them beaten unconscious and they awake in a room at the Cortez. The woman opens a curtain to see a solid wall of bricks and when Valentino opens the door he sees a hallway with no exits.#ohshit

“Oh my god”, the Countess says shakily. “Yes, your god trapped in the walls of the palace that I built for my queen”. But not anymore, because as dinner continues a newly revitalized couple exits the Cortez to explore the world that they were locked away from for all those years. (Thanks to the blood of the realtor from Murder House and some strippers.)

A new lead on the Ten Commandments Killer: As John wanders around the hospital, he overhears some employees talking about the TCK who they say is in the hospital right now in the restricted ward. Lowe uses this knowledge to his advantage and hits the guard at the front of the ward over the head and steals his keys. He then makes his way to room 153 which supposedly houses the TCK. #snap

He opens the door to find a young girl named Wren, who also happens to be one of the Countess’s vampire children. We learn that Wren has assisted the TCK and was there at every crime scene. She says that at the most recent TCK attack, he almost got caught and then it was all her fault. This makes John sympathize with her because she reminds him of his own daughter who he feels blames herself for all of his current problems.

“When I was young, my daddy told me he couldn’t wait for me to grow up and I would be his little lady”, Wren said. Wren’s father was a drunk and left his daughter in his car during a sweltering hot day to drink at the Cortez. That’s when the Countess found her and turned her because as we learned earlier, she has a thing for neglected children.

Wren tells John that he has to get her out of here so that she can show him where the TCK lives. So just like that, they escape – because it’s soooo easy to break out of a mental hospital. Wren says that they need to go home to the Cortez. “I really like you. I hate to see it end. Goodbye John”, Wren declares and runs into the street only to get hit at full speed by a bus. #ouch #endscene

So there you have it, the synopsis post of this week’s episode of American Horror Story: Hotel, “Flicker”. What did everyone think of the back story for the Countess? How does everyone feel about season five so far? I wanna hear from all of you, so leave me a comment and let’s chat! Much love. -Sarah

Change Of Plans

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Change Of Plans

Heyyy everyone! There’s going to be a slight change of plans for tonight’s American Horror Story: Hotel post because I’m feeling like ass right now. Because of this all of a sudden illness, you can expect to see a synopsis on the newest AHS episode tomorrow morning or afternoon. Of course I’ll be watching the epi and taking my notes but I’m in desperate need of a good nights sleep. In a perfect world, I’ll be able to get right to bed afterwards and get rid of this little bug that I’ve come down with. Sorry for the inconvenience! Much love. -Sarah

heey

^^^ Thanks, Ryan.

I’ll Tell You What I Thought, What I Really Really Thought (AHS Episode 5)

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I’ll Tell You What I Thought, What I Really Really Thought (AHS Episode 5)

Hellooo everyone and TGIF! Welcome to the opinions post on the latest episode of American Horror Story: Hotel, which is promised to you by yours truly every Friday. Wednesday night’s episode entitled “Room Service” was fantastic and once again, I really have no complaints – only praises! Let’s begin by discussing the MVP of the episode, Denis O’Hare:

Denis O’Hare’s all star performance: I’ve been saying this from the beginning of American Horror Story as a series and I will continue to say it again: Denis O’Hare is the most underrated actor on the show. Usually, Mr. O’Hare specializes in the oily scumbags of the season, but in Hotel he plays the sensitive yet sassy Liz Taylor and he does it to perfection. In “Room Service” we got to learn the backstory of Miss Cleo and it was just as touching and wonderful as I hoped it would be. Cleo’s back story was a beautiful sentiment to the LGBT community as well as everyone else on the planet.

One specific moment that really stood out to me as we learned about how Nick Pryer transformed into diva queen Cleo was when he cried into the Countess’s arms and told her that he “feels ugly”. I don’t know about you, but I can certainly relate to that. It’s so hard to feel whole when such a big part of your life is a lie. I was so moved by the honesty and rawness that was infused into Cleo’s back story and it was just gorgeous.

Denis O’Hare’s performance was done with such sensitivity that I was almost in tears and I was completely blown away. O’Hare doesn’t get an ounce of the attention he deserves as an actor on one of the most popular shows on television and I sincerely hope that “Room Service” will serve as his big break on AHS. O’Hare’s work as Cleo has been spot on this entire season and I’m just thrilled to see where his character goes from here. Bravo and well done.

ohare

^^^ LOVE

Lady Gaga is less annoying: I was actually very pleased with Lady Gaga’s performance as the Countess in “Room Service”. It’s nice to see Gaga giving us some real acting rather than sex scenes in each episode and I thought she did a great job. Her role in Cleo’s back story was so classic Gaga and all that she stands for and I was happy that she was able to be a part of that. I was so shocked that “Born This Way” didn’t start playing because there wasn’t a better time for some Lady Gaga tunes than during the evolution of Cleo!

There was one scene in “Room Service” that featured the Countess and it was just so deliciously awkward and I loved every second of it. It was when the Countess and Tristan approached Iris at her front desk, dressed to the nines in their Halloween attire. The Countess wanted Iris to deliver a message to Will Drake if he returned to the Cortez that evening but immediately sensed something off with the hotel manager. The vampire queen and her lover then proceeded to have the most intense stare down ever with Iris where they both bent down so their faces were even with hers and kept their eyes locked on her for what felt like an eternity. After they made Iris sufficiently uncomfortable, they swiftly turned away and that was that. Gaga looked spectacular and the scene was so weirdly whimsical and I thought it was flawless.

A grade school vampire epidemic: Alright, first of all – I can’t say that I didn’t see this one coming BUT the newly infected grade schoolers’ feeding frenzy was very well done. I thought the entire sequence from when Max killed his parents and hopped on the bus to when the frightened children exited the school and ran to their parents was delightfully eerie and insanely cringe worthy to boot! I’m not always fond of child actors or when young kids are made to act out such gruesome situations but it worked so freaking well and I just couldn’t turn away.

One of the best parts of that story line was when the kids went full on animal when they started drinking the blood of the male teacher. It was seriously like watching a wild animal devour its kill and it was SO creepy and disturbing but it sure looked awesome. All of the kids looked so sweet and innocent but did such a good job of becoming these vicious little creatures in a scene that felt like it was straight out of a Stephen King movie and I was such a fan.

“You see everything when the world doesn’t see you”. -Liz Taylor

All in all, I thought that “Room Service” was an excellent episode and I’m going to rate it with: Four and a half stars. The reason why the newest episode didn’t receive a five star score was because I thought its pace was a little off in comparison to last week’s “Devil’s Night – Part 1”. “Room Service” flowed well but it wasn’t as sharp and crisp as last week’s fast paced Halloween special. These past few episodes have been stellar and I can’t wait to see what happens next!

I Told You What I Thought, What I Really Really Thought about American Horror Story: Hotel’s newest episode, “Room Service”, and now it’s your turn! How did everyone feel about this week’s episode? Who are some of your American Horror Story all star actors? I wanna hear from all of you, so leave me a comment and let’s chat! Much love. -Sarah

American Horror Story: Hotel “Room Service”

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American Horror Story: Hotel “Room Service”

Hello everyone! Tonight’s episode of American Horror Story: Hotel entitled “Room Service” was excellent! A lot of craziness went down and we gained some new intel on our lovely cast of characters to boot! Let’s waste no time and get started:

The measles mishap: “Room Service” begins in the hospital where the newly turned Alex is a doctor. This season we tagged along as she cared for one of her patients who contracted measles because his mother didn’t vaccinate him. The boy, named Max, appears to be in bleak condition and Alex urges his mother to go get some rest. In the mean time, a weak and blood thirsty lady-vamp goes to the blood supply storage room to drink up and draw some blood of her own. She then tries an unconventional method of curing her young patient by ejecting her blood into his IV. As soon as the blood enters his body his heart rate skyrockets and he begins to convulse…

But fear not! The next morning Alex enters Max’s room to find his bed empty. The boy then comes running in and appears to be good as new. She gives Max’s mother the all clear for him to go home and all is well…until he ends up killing his parents while wearing a pirate costume. #trickortreat

When vampire children attack: After young Max drinks his fill of his parents’ blood he hops on the bus and goes to school to enjoy some Halloween fun. As soon as Max is at school his buzzkill of a teacher reprimands him for having a weapon as part of his costume, a plastic pirate sword, and confiscates it. Max is a tricky little devil though and shows his friend Madeline a real knife he has hidden in his boot. Max then leads Madi into a closet for some chatting and a little k-i-s-s-i-n-g and he ends up biting the girl’s lip. She immediately pulls away in pain and then Max bites his own lip and tells her that “we’re even” and kisses her again so their blood can mingle. #happyhalloween

After the Halloween party at the grade school comes to an end the day’s lessons begin and the teacher finds that Max and Madi’s chairs are empty. She asks her students where they could be and they all laugh and point to the closet. The teacher enters the vampires’ hideaway and as soon as she comes in Max slits her throat and urges Madi to drink her blood. This is when all hell breaks loose. The other students begin getting turned and a little boy ends up falling into the hallway which alerts another teacher. The man enters the room to see what’s going on and Max ends up cutting him too and encourages all of his classmates to drink his blood. “Drink it. It will make you feel AWESOME!” …Well, you didn’t have to tell me twice. #imsold

The teacher whom the kids have all swarmed upon like lions at a gazelle carcass (imagery!) manages to escape and runs to the front office and the school goes on lock down immediately. The SWAT team arrives to find the bodies of teachers strewn across the floor and a bunch of traumatized looking students. Once they clear the building the bloodied kids exit and find their parents. As the detectives begin to speak with them they all tell a similar story of a large masked man who attacked them. These vampirelings be crafty and SHAMEFUL!!

A very Ramona visit: Our last encounter with Ramona Royal ended with her telling Donovan that he was useless to her because he was no longer close to the Countess. But now, Donovan thinks otherwise thanks to his newly turned mom and manager of the Cortez, Iris. He offers his mother to Ramona because she is the best bet they have at taking the Countess down, which Donovan now wants desperately. Ramona is a fan of the plan – “you’re reckless. I like that” she says to her new partner in crime and Operation Take Countess Down is a go! Yeah!

Iris + Cleo = BFFs: Some beautiful bonding between Iris and the fabulous Cleo happens in “Room Service” which was such a joy to watch. As soon as Iris returns from Royal’s, Cleo can tell that something is up. Iris insists that she just needs to get some sleep but Cleo takes her to the bar and pours her some blood into a martini glass…Cleo knows all. After Iris drinks up, the most obnoxiously rude, asshole, hipster couple wants to check in to the Cortez. And when I say that they’re awful, I mean they are aw-ful. They’re the type of hipsters that make me hate all hipsters and they do a fantastic job of pushing all of Iris’s buttons.

After a phone call to the front desk from the couple requesting a food order leaves Iris in tears, Cleo comes to the rescue. “What did they want?” he asks her. Mid-sob Iris replies, “they want pate” cry, cry, cry, cry, cry. Cleo and Iris then head into the kitchen to create some pate magic compliments of the Cortez and cat food and share in a glorious heart to heart about Cleo’s back story.

denis

The life of Liz Taylor: We learn that Cleo, originally Nick Pryer, was a married man who wed his wife because they wore the same dress size and she married him because there was no one else. They had a son together and Nick worked as a medical rep whose responsibility was to shmooze with the doctors during nights on the town. During a trip, Nick and his coworkers ended up staying at the Cortez. That night, the associates went out to a strip club while Nick opted for a night in playing dress up. We see Nick trying on a slip, heels, and fur coat and he gushes that he was “trannnnnnnsformed”. #loveit

In celebration, Nick ordered a bottle of champagne and once he turned to reenter his room, the Countess was standing in front of him clear as day. She tells him that she was watching him as soon as he entered the hotel. “You look like a man and walk like a man but you smell like a woman” she told him. Nick begins to cry, “you’re so beautiful” he sobs. The Countess asks him why he cries to which Nick answers, “I feel ugly”. A riveting pep talk from the Countess follows and she encourages him to “become who you were born to be…a goddess”. #bornthisway

Nick becomes the Countess’ living doll and she gives him the makeover of a life time. She shaves his head, applies makeup and jewelry, and dubs him “Liz Taylor”. Once the transformation is complete she urges Liz to join her for a night on the town but he tells her that he’s not ready. “Goddesses don’t speak in whispers” she tells him, “they scream”. So for a start, Liz goes down the hall to get some more ice and as he returns to his room he runs into his coworkers who call him a “faggot” and threaten him with telling his wife and everyone at the office. The Countess then steps in and promptly slits both of their throats. #BYE

Liz never got turned by the Countess but instead got hired by her and now works as a drifter through the hotel. You can find Cleo at the bar, front desk, or just roaming the halls looking amazing but one thing is for sure…Denis O’Hare is perfection! Tune in to my opinions post on Friday for more on that! 🙂

#byehipsters: Iris comes knocking on the couple’s door with a delivery cart of cat food pate and red wine. After more disrespectful harassment from the guests, Iris ends up killing them both and drinking their blood. After Iris’ kill, she wheels off the bodies to the chute that goes all the way down to the basement with Cleo’s help. She tells her new friend that she feels like a changed woman and that she “never knew how to live until she died”. After the bodies are disposed of, they enjoy the red wine off of the couples’ cart and clink their glasses to a job well done. #waytogo

John Lowe, you’re fired: After John’s disturbing evening as a guest of James March’s Devil’s Night Soiree, we find him talking about the events with his superior. He tells him that he thinks he found a copycat cult that reenacts famous murders and that he believes that March is the Ten Commandments Killer. Lowe’s superior does not seem to be enthused about these findings, however, and reminds him of the psychiatric breakdown that occurred after Holden was kidnapped. This does nothing to add to John Lowe’s increasingly shitty reputation and he ends up getting fired. #suckstosuck John also learns after he wakes up next to Sally that they had some super rough hanky-panky judging by the scratches that he’s covered with and he doesn’t remember a thing. #suckstosuckagain

fired

Alex’s new job: “Room Service” ends with Alex receiving a description of her new job from the Countess. She is to act as the governess to her vampire children and live a life of loyalty to her. “Mommy, you’re just like me now”, Holden tells her. Alex then puts her little boy to bed in his coffin and climbs in with him for some sleepy time snuggles. #socute

So there you have it, the synopsis of the newest episode of American Horror Story: Hotel “Room Service”. How did everyone feel about tonight’s episode? Who loved Cleo’s back story? I wanna hear from all of you, so leave me a comment and let’s chat! Much love. -Sarah

American Horror Story: Hotel “Mommy”

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American Horror Story: Hotel “Mommy”

Heyyy there everyone and welcome to the synopsis of the third episode of American Horror Story: Hotel, simply entitled, “Mommy”. We were introduced to a new character and witnessed a few deaths at the Cortez tonight so let’s discuss from the very beginning:

High fives for killing: “Mommy” begins with Tristan seeking out James March in the room he stumbled into during last week’s episode. He offers March his gratitude and a raised hand in the air, “you’re right man, killing is awesome”! March is quite pleased with this and tells Tristan that his “murder palace” hasn’t been put to good use in years. While this discussion among new friends is taking place, Will Drake enters the room with Claudia, discussing plans on tearing up the floor containing March’s meeting room. Lucky for Mr. March, Tristan is on the case with his mind on murder and murder on his mind. #REDRUM

Family drama at Chateau De Lowe: In this week’s episode we learn more about John’s lovely wife, Alex. There is a touching sequence in which she explains her career, saying how she wanted to save other people’s children but never bear her own. However, these feelings of indifference changed once little Holden came along. “I finally fell in love for real after having Holden” she swoons. Life was looking good for Mr. and Mrs. Lowe until their son got kidnapped (#obviously). We then view a scene of Alex’s suicide attempt where she lays in a bathtub overflowing with bloody water and her wrists slit wide open.

We then witness a family therapy session at the Lowe residence where Alex explains her anger towards Scarlett and her story of seeing Holden. With tension at an all time high, Alex visits her husband at the Cortez with divorce papers in hand. When Alex attempts to leave John has a mini-breakdown and expresses his fear that he’s going crazy. Alex accompanies him to his room where she puts him to bed, they have a little hanky-panky, John suggests they have another baby, and Alex leaves promptly. Once Alex is in the hallway she has visions of a woman recently killed and in all of her confused running around, stumbles upon Holden. She approaches the little boy who is staring at the ground, lifts his chin up, and hears her son speak for the first time in over a year – “Hi, mommy”.

RIP, we just killed the Claudia: Naomi Campbell’s AHS debut was short lived because she got the axe on this episode. Remember the junkie who Sally sewed into a mattress during the season premiere? Yeah, me either. ANYWAYS, the said junkie emerged from the mattress that Miss Claudia laid her perfect body on, did a little stabbing, and that – as they say, is that. The young man runs from the scene of the crime and into John’s arms begging for help. He is rushed to the hospital and the doctors agree that his frenzied and frazzled state is compliments of withdrawals. We also learn in his dying breaths that the mattress man thought Claudia was Sally whom he had the intention of killing. “She said I would be free”…#LIAR

The Countess AKA GOLD DIGGER: Once Tristan takes it upon himself to murder Will Drake to prevent the renovation of the hotel, he decides to break into his room to seduce him and then kill him mid-bang. This would be murder was prevented by the Countess, however, who shook her head “no” as soon as Tristan pulled out his knife. Later on, we find the Countess attempting to convert Mr. Drake to Gagaism, which Tristan interrupts – much to his displeasure. The Countess then takes Tristan to have a little chat in which she reveals to him that she’s not as rich as he thinks. According to the vampiress, all of her money was lost thanks to Bernie Madoff (#asshole). “Will Drake can’t die until after I marry him and take every goddamn penny”…Well, goddamn.

Bitter Donovan is BITTER: Poor ol’ Donovan is down on his luck this episode. He just got dumped, he hates his mother, hates himself, and is bitter at the world. In tonight’s episode you’ll find that Donovan has a lot of built up anger against his mother dearest, Iris. He exits the premises of the Cortez and into the streets to drink the blood of junkies and brood in solitude…And then, thanks to the poor choice of trying to kill the “Slaughter Sister” herself, he winds up in the trunk of the car of a new character.

Ramona Royal (Angela Bassett): In tonight’s episode we’re introduced to Ramona Royal, played by the fabulous Angela Bassett. Miss Royal was the queen bee of B-list movies who wanted nothing more than to be considered a “serious” actress. Over dinner with a fancy producer, the Countess approaches their table and makes the producer leave just by looking at him. We then see some good ol’ Ebony and Ivory action because apparently Lady Gaga only signed up for sex scenes this season. The ladies fell in love with each other and Royal got turned soon after, which she describes as “glorious”. The years go by and everything is going just dandy for a while until a new love interest enters the scene. “There was nothing I couldn’t be…except hers forever”.

Ramona Royal found love in a hopeless place with a not as good as Tupac rapper of the 90’s. Royal decides that she wants to be with him for forever and proceeds to turn him in a recording studio. After the deed is done the new couple enters the main room of the studio to find all of the workers dead with a tear streaked Countess in the producers chair. The Countess shoots Royal’s new man in the head and a grudge between the two vampires begins.

So what does Royal want with Donovan?: So glad you asked! Now that Royal has Donovan in her clutches she tells the Countess’s former lover about her desire for revenge. This sort of revenge requires someone with inside access to the Cortez, however, because Royal wants the Countess’s kidnapped vampire children. #SNAP

So what does Donovan do?: Nothing, really. Donovan is told to leave once Royal finds out that he got his bitch ass dumped. So back he goes to the Cortez with his tail between his legs and a mother who is now suicidal thanks to his harsh words. Iris enlists the help of Sally to off herself once she decides that she can take no more of life as “being the joke”. Sally doles her out a hefty OD of heroin which to her surprise doesn’t kill her. So, Sally goes to Plan B…suffocating Iris with a plastic bag held in place over her head with a belt. Lucky for Donovan, after a pep talk with Cleo at the bar, he finds Iris just in the knick of time…Dead, but not dead enough to not be turned. He cuts his wrist, holds his blood to his mothers mouth, and brings her back to life as a vampire. #CountessChocula

So there you have it, the Cliff Notes version of the newest episode of American Horror Story: Hotel “Mommy”. What did everyone think of tonight’s episode? Who is your favorite character in the hotel thus far? I wanna hear from all of you, so leave me a comment and let’s chat! Much love. -Sarah