So last night as I was brainstorming new post ideas for lifewithlilred, it occurred to me that Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. As usual, I’ll be single as fuck this Valentine’s Day. This is the twentieth V-Day in a row that I’ll be wining and dining myself, because getting an extra lollipop from this little boy in kindergarten who wanted to be my Valentine doesn’t count. To elaborate further on that, I’m pretty sure I kicked him in the shin and ran away. I’m not going to mention his name, but you know who you are and if you’re reading this – call me! So what do the people who are forever alone on Valentine’s Day do other than sob and eat chocolate from a heart shaped box in bed? Well contrary to popular belief, being single on Valentine’s Day is just as if not MORE stressful than being in a relationship because you have to think of ways to make yourself feel not pathetic all day. So here’s my without fail guide to making myself feel like the only girl in the world on Valentine’s Day, because I’m a strong, independent woman WHO DON’T NEED NO MAN!

Waking Up: Good morning, single lady and happy Valentine’s Day to you! First things first, you need to work up the inner strength to get yourself out of bed. This is a struggle in itself, so take as much time as you need, pray on it if that’s your thing, take it nice and slow and hoist yourself out of bed while whispering “you can do this, you can do this” to yourself. As soon as you’re out of bed, pat yourself on the butt because no one else is gonna do it for you today and congratulate yourself on a job well done.

*V-Day Pro Tip: Make your alarm clock ring tone Beyonce’s single girl anthem “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It).

Have A Pep Talk With Yourself: It’s time to get ready for the day, so make your way to the bathroom to take care of your daily beauty routines, be careful not to over exert yourself. Once you’re safely in the bathroom, it’s time to give yourself a Valentine’s Day pep talk. Look yourself dead in the eye in the mirror and repeat after me: “I am single. I am sexy. I will eat as much Taco Bell as I want today. I will get wine drunk and watch Legally Blonde. I don’t need a man to complete me.” Cry, and repeat. Once you’re all hyped up or possibly more depressed, get yourself looking fierce as hell because you have a hot date with yourself for the day.

*V-Day Pro Tip: There’s nothing wrong with listening to “Eye Of The Tiger” as you give yourself your pep talk.

Lunch Time: Alright sassy girl, it’s time for lunch, so make your way to the nearest Taco Bell immediately. Strut your sexy self to the cash register, and flirtatiously tell the cashier that you’ll take one of everything. If you really are ordering one of everything, I commend you for having a stomach and will power that is far greater than my own. If not, proceed with your order. DO NOT feel ashamed at how much you order from TBell, because the beauty of that place is that you can order hella food and no one will ever really think anything of it. It’s such a blessing. Get your food, and enjoy. You deserve it. Savor the glorious artificially cheesy taste and take shots of mild sauce. Feel free to get seconds or thirds, this is YOUR day.

*V-Day Pro Tip: If you flirt hard enough with the Taco Bell cashier, you might get free Cinnamon Twists.

Afternoon Of Sass: My number one rule for Valentine’s Day is and feel free to take notes: Get all of your out and about activities done before the evening. The evening is when the couples come out of their happy relationship nooks and crannies and display their boyfriend/girlfriend status for all to see. And honey, you don’t have to witness that. Anyways, it’s the afternoon, you’re probably still bloated from Taco Bell, but that’s okay. I’m an avid believer in treating yourself no matter what the day, but since you’re your very own hot Valentine’s Day date, you have full permission to go crazy for yourself. Get a manicure AND pedicure, buy that Michael Kors purse you’ve been lusting over for three solid weeks, open a bottle of wine in Giant Eagle and drink the entire thing in one gulp then run away. ANYTHING GOES. This Valentine’s Day I plan on getting some major shopping done in the afternoon and possibly getting my hair dyed at the salon instead of doing it at home. #treatyoself The afternoon is a perfect time to start drinking as well, so throw back a few cosmos and give the death glare to anyone judging you.

*V-Day Pro Tip: Give yourself a spending limit for the day, because two bottles of wine in and online shopping can lead to bankruptcy.

Friendly Reminder: While you’re having your out and about afternoon it’s crucial that you remember to get a few things:

• Chick flicks
• Wine and/or hard liquor
• Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate
• Chinese take out for dinner

*V-Day Pro Tip: Make sure you have an abundance of tissues handy. You’ll thank me later.

#Datenight: Alright my single ladies, it’s time for your evening of solitude. NOT THAT THERE’S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT!!! So it’s time to get into your comfiest, coziest pajamas or just get completely naked, whatever makes you happy. This is your day! Prior to your Valentine’s night rendezvous with yourself, I’d recommend getting one of those super soft fleece blankets if you don’t have one already – they’re great to cuddle with! Now is the time to bring everything into bed with you – your dinner, chocolates, alcohol, ice cream, tissues, tampons, and gossip magazines because it’s chick flick time! Legally Blonde is always one of my all time favorites to watch, but other good ones include The Devil Wears Prada, Clueless, or the Jennifer Lopez classic: Gigli. (Please PLEASE know that that was a joke. Do not, I repeat DO NOT watch Gigli.) Avoid romantic movies like The Notebook at all costs and steer towards some feel good female empowerment flicks. You don’t need a Nicholas Sparks movie to remind you further of your singlehood. Crack open the vino, shovel chocolates down your gullet at a rapid speed and enjoy!

*V-Day Pro Tip: You are GORGEOUS and I would date you!!!!

Alright my lovely single ladies, there you have it – my guide to Valentine’s Day! Please know that this post was all made in good humor and that there is nothing wrong with being a single chicka on V-Day or any day!

What are some humorous Valentine’s Day activities that I missed? What’s your favorite single girl activity to do on V-Day? I’d love to hear from you, so leave me a comment and let’s chat! Happy Friday! -Sarah