Fair warning to any one reading this: This blog posts contains self harm references – if that makes you uncomfortable, feel free not to read. -Sarah

Lil Red had a bad day yesterday. Like a really bad day. I should have been happy….my brother finally arrived home from Madison, Wisconsin for the holidays and I was with my beau in the evening. That sounds like a perfect day to me! Unfortunately it didn’t play out like that. I was still feeling pretty under the weather yesterday from going through cigarette withdrawals and honestly I was just down right depressed. Not only were the withdrawals making me more upset than usual, but I was also out of my antidepressants for the past week, which are supposed to be taken daily. To go into further detail, it felt like getting thunder stormed on while already being soaking wet. I cut for the first time since I quit over a year ago yesterday night – and believe me I’m not happy about it. I’m not sure what made yesterday the day that I cracked. I’m not sure if it was just the shitty day in itself that I was having or if it was a pile up of stressers from the entire week. Let me say a little bit more about that, but not too much because I don’t really want my business from my work all out on the internet. Long story short, I felt that I was being harassed at my current now previous job because I quit. In the midst of one of my withdrawal crying fits at home I cracked and told my mom about it, and she straight up told me not to go back there anymore…so that’s what I did. Anyways, yesterday should have been a good day, like I said. I was at a get together with the boy and some people who attended our old high school. I really should have thought it through more before I drove over there though because high school wasn’t the best time of my life. Being surrounded by those people again made me feel like such a loser. Here all these kids are, at great colleges and working and being awesome…and here I am – freshly unemployed, attending a not so impressive school, and feeling low as can be. After about a half hour in that misery, I left the gathering with the excuse that my brother just arrived home. I know that I should be thinking more positively about myself, and I am proud of myself for attending a college in general, but it’s so hard to remain in good spirits when you feel like you’re doing absolutely nothing compared to some of the people who are the exact same age as you. So, I get home and I was so happy to see my brother, and my family had a really nice evening together. But even after that I couldn’t shake this overwhelming feeling of worthlessness. I was crying in hysterics in my bedroom and ALL I wanted to do at this point was cut or make myself throw up…since I didn’t have any food in my stomach, cutting was the go to option. I went into the bathroom, locked the door, and did the deed. In that ten minute span, I turned back into the depressed cutter of seven years and counting, which made me feel even worse because it was such a huge step backwards. I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t feel better afterwards though, which really frightens me. I’m really hoping that this is just a minor misstep in the grand scheme of things. And now that I have my antidepressants back to give me an extra little boost in the morning, fingers crossed that my spirits will be lifted.

I’ve been super tore up and upset about this, but I know I can’t be too hard on myself or it’s just going to make things worse. In fact, I feel better already writing about it, and since this is my online journal, why not write it out on this? Now I just need to take a deep breath, shake it off, and keep moving forward.

Thank you so much for letting me vent on here, like I said – I feel better already. Please note that if you feel the need to comment on this and you have nothing nice to say, it will be deleted in a heart beat. You’ve been warned! What are you guys up to today? I think I’m going to go figure skating for the first time since I quit skating competitively about four years ago, so that should be fun!! My family might decorate our Christmas tree tonight too – we’re obviously running pretty late on that!! Have a great Sunday! -Sarah

^^^^ I had to!