Category Archives: Mental Health

May2

Food Glorious Food

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Food Glorious Food

Hellooo everyone and happy Saturday! So as you guys know, these past few weeks have been pretty rough for Lil Red. I unfortunately resorted to some not so good habits as far as food goes. I was hella restricting what I ate every day for the past two weeks or so. I was only eating one small meal half way through the day and that was it. When I get stressed out I find comfort in heavily controlling my food consumption. For the first week or so it felt awesome having so much control over something even if it was as simple as how much I was eating. But on week two of my “one meal a day” diet, I was starting to feel absolutely miserable. I was exhausted, weak, and fucking starving. One incident that really stood out to me was when I was sitting at the kitchen table with my mom while she was eating lunch and I was eating nothing. She was having leftover Aladdin’s which is one of my all time favorite places to eat and I almost started crying looking at her plate of pita and felafel. My mouth filled with drool, my eyes were welling up with tears, and my stomach felt like it was going to collapse on itself with hunger. My mom kept offering me a bite and all I wanted to do was devour her whole plate, but instead I refused and ran up to my room to avoid the temptation. And don’t even get me started on watching my family enjoy a bowl of gorgeous strawberries that I told myself I “couldn’t” eat because it wasn’t part of my diet plan. All of the turmoil I was feeling from being surrounded by delicious food that I could look at but not touch always seemed to balance out when I would look in the mirror and see how skinny I was getting. I’m a small girl to begin with – 5’1 1/4 and barely over 110 pounds but I loved watching my body deteriorate into the “unhealthy” skinny territory. But then something changed. I was doing math homework this past Thursday and I felt like I was going to pass out. It was scary to feel like I was going to lose consciousness from sitting at the dining room table and feverishly writing out solutions to equations – that hardly counts as physically stimulating. Once my vision started going fuzzy and my head was pounding I stood up and made my way to the kitchen for something to eat, even though it wasn’t time for my only meal of the day. I opened the fridge and pulled out the plate of leftover vegetable enchiladas that I was fantasizing about for the past week and seriously couldn’t handle the anticipation of waiting for the food to heat in the microwave. Once my enchiladas were heated and I took my first bite I could literally feel the energy flowing back into my body. My head felt clear, the incessant rumbling in my stomach ceased, and the pounding sensation that I was feeling behind my eyeballs went away completely. After the enchilada incident, I decided that my “one meal a day” diet sucked ass and began to allow myself to eat more every day. The first few meals that I had afterwards were orgasmic. The microwave pizzas and bowls of cereal never tasted better. The glasses of milk never tasted creamier and don’t even get me started on the strawberries that I annihilated yesterday. Delicious. You never realize how amazing the food you’re eating tastes until you go to such extreme measures to restrict yourself from it. Even the not so good food was like a symphony on my taste buds. As I write this now, I anticipate lunch time with so much zeal and excitement I can barely focus. So I guess that means that it’s time to eat! Fuck a “one meal a day” diet!

I hope all of you guys are having an amazing day!! As you read in my last post, I’m going to see The Used tonight in Cleveland and I CAN’T WAIT!!! I’m looking forward to telling you guys all about it! What’s your favorite food in the whole wide world? What’s your favorite restaurant to eat at? I want to hear from all of you, so leave me a comment and let’s chat! Much love. -Sarah

Apr29

What Nobody Tells You (You, Me, & an Eating Disorder Makes Three)

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What Nobody Tells You (You, Me, & an Eating Disorder Makes Three)

Warning: This post contains references to eating disorders (as clearly stated in the title), if that makes you uncomfortable then don’t read it!

Hey there everyone and happy Hump Day! So I got a lot of really positive feedback from a bunch of people about my post What Nobody Tells You (A Self Harm Story), so I figured why not make an eating disorder edition as well. As most of you know already, I was an avid bulimic for over three years. I haven’t had a slip up in quite some time, but that doesn’t change the fact that purging crosses my mind constantly. There were so many things that I wish people would have told me before I started a downward spiral into an eating disorder, but I had to learn all of it on my own. So consider this post a battle tactic of me trying to scare any of you who are considering bulimia out of it – because it truly is a life ruiner. If someone would have told me everything I’m about to tell you, maybe my situation today would be a lot different. Nobody told me that my fingers would prune after twenty minutes of being shoved down my throat. Nobody told me that the smell of vomit would linger on my fingers if I didn’t pull them out if my mouth in time. Nobody told me how completely unglamorous bulimia was. It’s not a “super model” disorder by any means. There’s nothing beautiful about your back cowering over a toilet with a tear streaked face. There’s nothing sexy about yellow teeth and remnants of puke around your lips. Nobody ever told me that the sound of retching could be heard over the shower tap running, causing my mom to have to monitor my showers and when I used the restroom. Having your mom standing sentinel outside the bathroom door so you don’t puke your brains out is the polar opposite of living glamorously. No one told me that the dentist would be able to tell I was bulimic by the acid erosion on my teeth. No one told me that getting x-rays on my throat is recommended because I could be giving myself cancer of the esophagus. No one ever told me that all of the pleasure of eating would be wiped out completely once you sold your soul to throwing up after every meal. No one told me that constant acid reflux would leave my breath smelling like vomit all day. And most importantly, no one ever told me that my eating disorder would become an entirely separate entity. It controlled everything. What I ate, when I ate, who I ate around, absolutely no eating in public, how long I should puke for, how much I should try to puke out – the cycle was never ending. My eating disorder was a cruel, sick dictator who left me feeling worthless and disgusting and filled my mind with thoughts of purging as soon as food touched my lips. I wish I could say that I don’t think about vomiting a lot, but I do. Just like I mentioned with cutting, bulimia is something that I’m going to have to carry with me for my entire life. And just like cutting, it fucking sucks.

If you still feel the urge to purge even after reading my tidbits of what I personally learned from a long struggle with bulimia, then please also remember: Being bulimic can cause so many different types of cancer – the stomach, esophagus, and mouth just to name a few – so keep that in mind if you’re so much as considering starting a life altering and ultimately life shattering disorder.

Like I said earlier, I haven’t had any instances of bulimia for a while, which I am so thankful for. And please remember that I’m always here to talk if you need it and I urge you to get help with your destructive struggles from a friend or professional. Have a wonderful day! Much love. -Sarah

Apr28

What Nobody Tells You (A Self Harm Story)

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What Nobody Tells You (A Self Harm Story)

Warning: This post contains references to self harm, if it makes you uncomfortable – don’t read it!

As you guys know, I had a slip up this past week in my self harm sobriety. I realized that during quite a few of my posts I may have glamorized cutting in terms of the way it feels – referring to it as euphoric, heavenly, ect. And yes, it does feel that way to me, but there’s nothing glamorous by any means about it – or what you feel after the deed is done. I’ve seen countless posts and articles online that only discuss how cutting feels during the act of it, but nothing really mentions how you feel after. So let this post be a battle tactic for me to try and scare some of you guys out of even considering self harm for a second. Some people may think that self harm is a quick fix to all of your stressers, but the aftermath is only going to add on to your turmoil ten fold. No one tells you how the first shower you take after you cut burns your injuries like a thousand suns. No one tells you that when you dry your body off afterwards you have to be careful not to get any fibers from the towel in your wounds. No one tells you that your cuts remain an unsightly, infected red for days on end. No one told me that my skin around my incisions was going to get dry as it regenerates and flake off every time I touch it. No one ever told me that the waiting game for how long it will take your cuts to heal goes on for weeks on end. It’s been six days and I still have to disguise my arm with long sleeve shirts, hoodies, and jackets in the middle of spring. No one ever told me that wearing too many bracelets on your hurt wrist was a dead give away that you indulge in self harm – because no matter how hard you try to cover your cuts up, there’s always going to be just a little bit of a hardened scab showing through the beads. But most importantly, no one ever told me and probably has never told you about the looks of disappointment you get from loved ones if they happen to catch a glimpse of your war wounds. There’s nothing that makes me feel lower.

Feeling like you still might want to try to hurt yourself? Let me continue…

No one ever EVER tells you that one single cut can result in a lifetime of addiction. I started cutting when I was eleven or twelve and here I am almost nine years later still struggling. DO NOT end up like me – a twenty something who still fantasizes about hurting herself every time a major problem occurs. Because believe me, ten seconds of heaven is so not worth a constant every day struggle. It fucking sucks. I’ve had people ask me how I’m so comfortable being so open about my own personal situation on the world wide web, and if you’re asking that question about this particular post, then here’s my answer: I wish that someone told me everything that I mentioned above before I self harmed for the first time. Maybe then my situation today would be a lot different.

I hope all of you guys are having a fabulous Tuesday. If you’re struggling with anything at all, I urge you to confide in someone immediately. I’m starting up in therapy again soon and I’m pretty excited – but any confidant will do! And just know that I’m always, always here if you need someone to talk to! Much love. -Sarah

Apr25

When I Get Sad I…

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When I Get Sad I…

When I get sad I…….

Remember that everyone who works at the nail salon I go to loves me. 😉

Think about how hard I work at getting my college degree, which pays off in my straight A’s.

Look through my fabulous wardrobe filled with dresses, shirts, skirts, pants, and accessories in every shape, size, color, and pattern imaginable. Nothing makes me happier than piecing together quirky/cool new outfits to wear on the daily.

Examine all of my tattoos and piercings and remember how much pain I was in each time, but how awesome the end results are.

Think about my crazy family who drives me absolutely mental, but who I couldn’t live a day without.

Go through my archives of friendship memories with my best girl and guy friends and laugh over the millions of inside jokes accumulated over the years.

Go to Taco Bell.

Drink wine in moderation….yeah right. 😉

Pamper myself, because a bitch deserves it and my red hair has to be ridiculously bright at all times.

Get myself dolled up – dress, heels, red lipstick for days and go run errands while looking like a super sassy woman on the go.

Write, write, write whether it be on my blog, or a journal, or just random doodles on a scrap of paper.

Remind myself that things probably won’t get any worse. Lol, #optimist

Curl up in my blankets, pretend that I’m a burrito, and ponder the meaning of life.

Shave my legs, no matter HOW MUCH I hate it…which is a lot. (Nothing says ladylike like some smooth leggies!)

Cook a delicious dinner and watch my family enjoy it. (Which I’ll be doing today, because I just made a really yummy looking red lentil soup. I cooked for two hours this afternoon all while wearing a dress. Hello, housewife!)

Visit my favorite elderly friend at the retirement home, because it shows me that I’m capable of making somebody’s day. (And because I love her so much!)

Binge read a book to take me to a world that isn’t Akron, Ohio. (I’m currently reading The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman and it’s amazing! I started it yesterday and am halfway through already!)

Remember that no one will ever, ever be me…Sarah (AKA Lil Red). A fabulous, sassy, smart, stylish, witty, caring, kind, generous, determined, and strong willed young lady.

This post was inspired by a Facebook status that I made today that read “When I get sad I remember that everyone who works at the nail salon I go to loves me, then I feel better. (insert cigarette emojis here)” I thought it would be a fun blog post and a good way to remind myself of ways to make me happy, so I took the idea and ran with it. What are some things that you do to cheer yourself up after a rough day? What’s your favorite comfort food to eat when you’re sad? (Mine is obviously Taco Bell). I would seriously love to hear from all of you, so leave me a comment and let’s chat! Much love. -Sarah

piggie

^^^Omg. Cuteness overload!!!!!!

Apr23

Soooooo…..

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Soooooo…..

Hey everyone and Happy Thursday. So let’s start with some good news to get a bummer of a post started and then we’ll go from there. I got my very first 100% on a math quiz today since like the fifth grade, so that’s pretty exciting! I was seriously so proud of myself I could have cried! Now, onto the sad stuff… (WARNING: This post contains references to self harm, so feel free to not read it!)

I had a bad night last night and ended up having a bit of a slip up on my self harm sobriety. Honestly, things are going to shit at home and I feel so overwhelmed I can’t even take it. I’m not going to put my family’s privacy on the line so I’m not going to go into detail about what’s going on, but just know that it fucking sucks. Things have been not so great for a while, but yesterday night it just seemed unbearable. People were crying, question after question was being asked to get to the bottom of the problem that was happening, it was all just one gigantic shit show. The thing is, the stuff that was occurring really didn’t even have to do with me, but I constantly get thrown into the middle to act as a mediator or messenger or whatever the hell and it just gets SO stressful. I’m always getting problems that I don’t want tossed at me like it’s nothing and I just can’t take it. So last night I was laying in bed with so many different thoughts swarming around in my head like an army of flies. I was worried sick about everything, I was thinking of possible solutions to the millions of difficulties, I was trying to think about anything but cutting…but it didn’t work. Literally as soon as I got the idea in my head I got up, turned the light on, and grabbed my chosen sharp object. I haven’t cut probably since the beginning of February, but the thought of backtracking was only in my mind for a split second, because as soon as I made the first incision I was in heaven. Seriously, it was euphoric and I fucking hate that it feels that way to me. Slicing up my arm should hurt, but it doesn’t. I get into this void like place in my mind where I think about nothing, and I only snap back to reality when I realize I’m bleeding and my arm feels like it’s on fire. The worst part is, is that I didn’t even feel bad about it last night. After I was through doing what I had to do all I could think about was the fact that my arm hurt and that took away all of the other thoughts flying through my mind at a hundred thousand miles per hour. I’m paying the consequences now because I feel like shit about it, but I know that I can’t beat myself up about it for forever. If I get into the guilt trip mode I’ll just keep on slipping up and I can’t have that. So now it’s time to just take the situation for what it is and get back on the horse and try again. It just sucks that it’s always so fucking hard.

^^^^ My sister and I are seeing The Used in concert in Cleveland in like two weeks and I’m so excited! My emo kid fantasy is finally coming true!!!

Sorry that was such a bummer guys, but I really needed to vent about it before I go on with my day. I hope all of you are having a beautiful Thursday and please know that if any of you ever need to talk, I’m always ALWAYS here! What’s going on this weekend? Any exciting plans happening? I wanna hear something fun from all of you so leave me a comment and let’s chat! Much love. -Sarah

Apr10

On A Serious Note

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On A Serious Note

Hey there everyone and TGIF! So yesterday when I got home from hanging out with a friend, I checked my Facebook and saw a message from an old friend of mine in regards to my blog. I was complimented on my writing style and most importantly I was told that my own personal struggles with my eating disorder, depression, and self harm were extremely relateable. I felt a lot of things when I read that message…I was grateful that this person liked reading my blog and I felt awesome that my writing was being complimented but I also felt sad that my messenger could relate to some of the problems that I struggle with. So this is me getting on my lifewithlilred soap box to discuss some of my difficulties in the hopes that at least one of you will find solace in the fact that you’re not alone if you can relate to what I’m saying. (Note that this post contains a lot of references to self mutilation. If that makes you uncomfortable, you don’t have to read it!)

I’ve struggled with self harm since I was twelve and my bulimia began when I was around sixteen. I can remember feeling depressed and extremely anxious from as young as ten years old. During the times when I would indulge in my mutilation, I was convinced that it was the only way to make me feel better. I found euphoria in cowering over a toilet with a tear streaked face or holding a sharp object to my arms, legs, or hips and making myself bleed. Sometimes I still think that it’s the only way that I’ll feel okay after something goes wrong. I loved the sense of control that I had over my own personal pain. In my teenage years and even now as an almost twenty-one year old adult there’s so much going on around me that hurts me but I can’t control it. I almost lusted over the fact that I could be in charge of some of the pain that I was feeling. I had this really destructive “if you hurt me, I’ll hurt me too” mentality. I took comfort in the fact that when something upsetting happened, I could take the focus of my pain elsewhere and inflict it on myself. Constant self harm began to make me feel numb enough that eventually sucky situations didn’t even have an impact on me anymore. I walked through life like a zombie, and I was constantly looking for my next fix of mutilation. There came a point when I was vomiting after almost every meal and cutting up to three or more times a day. I would indulge in my addiction anywhere – home, school, work…it didn’t matter, as long as I had my fix I didn’t care where I was…

I’ve been relatively self harm free for about a year now, but I had a lot of set backs this winter. As of now I haven’t cut or purged for over a month which I’m feeling really good about. The message I received last night made me think about some of the darkest years of my life, and how thankful I am to be past them. I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I don’t think about self harm constantly, because that’s not the case. In the popular Canadian teen soap opera Degrassi, which was one of my favorite shows as a teenager, there was a character named Ellie who was a cutter. In one of the episodes after she was self harm free for a while she told someone “I’m always going to be a cutter” and that really stuck with me. It really is so true. Even though I’ve been sober for over a month, there’s still going to be the constant yearning for a quick fix to feeling sad or out of control. After a big meal, there’s always going to be the temptation to go and make myself vomit. This is something I’m going to have to live with for years to come until I feel completely okay with myself and confident in my ability to handle a tough situation without self harm. It’s hard to always have the devil on your shoulder telling you to hurt yourself, but every day that I resist it is one more day of sobriety and that’s something that I don’t want to fuck up. I guess the point of this post is that I want all of you to know that I’m here if you ever need to talk. I promise you that I’ll be able to empathize with your situation probably more than you know and that no judgement will ever be passed onto you. I urge all of you to seek help if you suffer from some type of addiction – whether it be drugs, alcohol, self harm, gambling – whatever. Confide in a friend, family member, or therapist because it’s one of the best things that you can do for yourself. I promise.

On that note, let’s get hyped with a song that many people love or love to hate, for that matter….

YOU’RE GONNA HEAR ME ROAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!!!

I hope all of you have a wonderful Friday and an even better weekend! What are your plans? What’s one of your favorite feel good anthems? I want to hear from all of you, so leave me a comment and let’s chat! Much love. -Sarah

Mar8

Is There Such a Thing as Being “Too” Nice?

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Is There Such a Thing as Being “Too” Nice?

So let me ask you guys a question….is there such a thing as being “too” nice? I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about this in regards to myself, and my answer is a big fat YES. If you guys can’t tell from my posts, I’m a self proclaimed and told by everyone “sweetheart”. I would rather everyone in the room be happy before myself. This is a beautiful thing, and I would rather be walked all over than be a complete bitch. Unfortunately, this is getting me into trouble, because people love taking advantage of the sweet girl. Now don’t get it twisted, I’ll speak my mind and stand up for what I feel is right. I have no problem asserting myself when the time calls for it. My problem lies in giving people who don’t deserve it far too many second chances. As the saying goes, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, go fuck yourself. I used to live by this saying constantly until a few months ago when one of my dumbass exes told me that I hold too many grudges with people. But the million dollar question is: Why wouldn’t I hold grudges against people who hurt me? Nine times out of ten in my life, the people who I give second chances to end up making the same mistake of being awful to me again, so why bother? Don’t think that I throw grudges around lightly, because I don’t. I’m not going to never talk to you again because you told me you hate The White Stripes. But if you repeatedly blow me off, or make me cry, or are just flat out mean, then why would I want to talk to you again? I need to get back into my “one strike you’re out” mentality again, because I’ve been getting fucked over time and time again by all of the people who attempt to weasel their way back into my life after they were in the wrong. All it’s doing is giving me a big headache, and I straight up don’t have the time for negative people in my life anymore. I just can’t do it. I can count the people who have never disappointed me on less than five fingers…but I’m content with that. As a matter of fact, I love that. It’s truly quality over quantity when it comes to my friends, and I wouldn’t trade these finest quality friendships for the world. So why do I feel the need to keep letting people come back for round two of making Sarah feel like shit? I guess because I’m such a people pleaser. I want people to like me. But you know what? That’s okay if they don’t. On my own personal journey to complete self acceptance, I have to learn that I can’t make everyone happy. The most important thing of all is if I’m happy. Taking care of yourself and keeping your own best interests in mind is NOT selfish. Honestly, it’s the best thing that I can be doing for myself right now. So to the people who had fun hurting me in the past and making me feel worthless and not good enough, let me be the first to say: BYE FELICIA!

felicia

As I sit here typing this with The Smiths playing in the background, my apple pumpkin candle burning, and sipping on my Diet Cherry 7UP, I’ve never felt so at peace with the decision to bring Operation One Strike You’re Out back in action. (#OSYO!!!!) Lil Red has got no time for negativity and refuses to let anyone stand in the way of her happiness. BOOM!

I hope all of you guys have a beautiful Sunday night and an even better week! Has there ever been a situation in your life where you felt you were being “too” nice? What did you do to handle it? I’d love to hear from you, so leave me a comment and let’s chat! Much love. -Sarah

Feb28

Farewell February!!!

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Farewell February!!!

Whatsup guys? So we’ve come to the end of the month of February, and some good things happened and some not so good things happened. Regardless of the good, this month can kiss my butt, so let me be the first to say: BYE FELICIA!!

felicia

^ Lol, I love that picture!

Anyways, spring is on the horizon, and spring brings new life, new adventures, and a fabulous new wardrobe. 😉 Point being, I’m ready for a change. I’m ready for a change in people who I associate myself with and most importantly I’m ready for a change in myself. The Lil Red Lifestyle is all about confidence, and lately I haven’t been feeling so hot, and this needs to change ASAP. To do this, I plan on giving myself a mental makeover starting with removing these shitty self harm thoughts once and for all. February was a month of stressers and slip ups but I have a brand new beautiful month to better myself with so let’s get it! Another thing I want to work on changing is the way I view myself. I’m sick of feeling like I’m not good enough for anything or anyone and the only person who can change that is myself. Here’s the thing, I know that I’m a pretty girl and I know that I’m extremely intelligent but I don’t completely believe it. The before mentioned knowledge feels like I’m thinking about a totally different person, because in my head all I see are flaws. It’s so flattering to have people tell me that they think I’m pretty and whatever but it’s sometimes hard to hear it since I don’t believe it myself. (Oh what a tangled web we weave.) So the game plan is to give my negative mind a clean sweep and start over fresh and new. Maybe then I can get to know the Sarah that everyone else sees. I just want to be happy, and once I have a positive mindset, I know my pursuit of happiness will be a hell of a lot easier.

^^ I had to!

I can’t low ball the things that are great right now though – like how I’m absolutely killing the college game at Tri-C! That’s something that I’m extremely proud of! Speaking of which…I got an A on my first math quiz in two and a half years so I was freaking ecstatic about that!!!! I hope you guys don’t think that I’m a completely miserable sad sack, because I’m not. I have a lot of good days, it’s just that the bad days are overwhelmingly bad…and that’s not okay. I had some minor setbacks in February, but I’m ready to get back on the horse, and fuckin kill the game as per usual! I have one more week of class left until my spring break, so I’ll have some much needed Lil Red time so I can pamper myself and sleep in!!! So let’s do it. Operation Positive Mindset and Operation Kill The College Game are a go! My positivity percentage has been at a solid fifty percent these past few months so I plan on raising the bar until I get to a one hundred twenty-five percent, at the very least! 😉 #operation125%

I hope that the month of March treats all of you with beautiful weather and extreme happiness. I also hope that all of you (including myself) are treating yourselves with love and respect. Bon voyage and good riddance to February! Bring on spring! What are you most looking forward to in the month of March? What’s your favorite thing about spring? I’d love to hear from all of you, so leave me a comment and let’s chat! Much Love. -Sarah

true

^ #TRUEEEE

PS: My featured image photo flaunts my Beetlejuice jacket that I mentioned in my last post Spring Shopping Extravaganza! I love it so much it hurts! Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice! ❤

Feb11

We Be Steady Bloggin

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We Be Steady Bloggin

Alright guys, seriously? Your favorite Lil Red is STILL SICK! This is the epitome of not okay! I have no idea what I have, because it’s not quite the flu, or a cold, or anything else that I can think of. I have the most severe case of body aches, dizziness, and nausea that I’ve ever experienced. I’ve literally done NOTHING these past few days but when I manage to pull myself out of bed this tidal wave of tiredness hits me. It also doesn’t help that good ol’ Aunt Flo paid me a visit the other day. I’m a hot ass wreck. I’m not gonna lie, I haven’t been feeling too hot as far as my mental health goes lately as well, so I wouldn’t be surprised if my physical sickness is a reflection of that. I can’t put my finger on it, but I’ve just been really sad lately. I’d be a liar if I told you I haven’t cut within this past week, and like usual, that just made matters worse after about an hour or so of the euphoria. I’m really hoping that today I can kick this stupid sickness for good and that I’ll wake up tomorrow bright eyed and bushy tailed. I need this to happen actually because this bitch is trying to get back into the Akron theatre scene that I love so very much, so I’ll be attending a show put on by one of the companies that I used to work for. I’m very excited to see all of my old friends and I’m really looking forward to seeing the piece that’s being put on for the University of Akron’s Rethinking Race Week. It should be a jolly good time. I have my dreaded math class tomorrow morning, but I think I’m just going to sit this one out and sleep in – I just wanna feel better, damnit!!! I’m going on day five of being a hot mess and I am slowly losing my mind. #overdramatic

dandy!

^^ This basically sums up my life.

Wanna know the icing on the cake of my misery? I broke my very first nail yesterday and it was a TRAVESTY. I got home from school and for the first time in days I was actually feeling hungry (I haven’t had much of an appetite lately), so I jumped on these hunger pangs and started making food pronto. In my rush to get something yummy cooking, my pinkie finger got caught in the handle of one of my cabinets and cracked clean in half. I pulled my hand away and to my horror saw blood oozing from the crack in my pinkie. When this happened all I could think was “fucking seriously?” So I ditched the food I was making because my stomach had officially dropped out of my butt at this point and drove straight to the nail salon. My beloved Vinny wasn’t working that day, but luckily STEVE patched my nail up beautifully. It was too funny, when I rushed into the salon and told the workers whom I love so very much that I broke a nail, they all rushed around me to comfort me, a broken nail hurts, damnit! Steve took a look at my war wound and said “Sarah…it looks like we’re gonna have to cut your finger off.” I was in laughing hysterics! That was the last thing I was expecting to hear but it was somehow just what I needed – I love morbid jokes! To my relief, my nail was salvaged and I was able to go on my merry way. My trip to the salon ended up making my day infinitely better, so maybe my broken nail was a blessing in disguise. Ha, you never know! #pronails

^^^ This totally just came on my iTunes and I’m not gonna NOT share it with you guys. #goodies

So guys. What I need from you is some home remedies that you swear by to help me beat this bug. I NEED to feel better tomorrow! HELP!!!! Happy Hump Day and I will talk to you all soon! Much love. -Sarah

 

Feb2

Melancholy Monday

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Melancholy Monday

Heyyyyyyyyy. So last night I was reading through my psychology book for school, and the statement “misery loves company” was discussed. Well I don’t know about you guys, but that phrase couldn’t be any less true for me. I’ve had a rough past few days, and honestly I’ve just wanted to be alone. Sometimes you really just need to lay in your bed, listen to some angry music, cry if need be, and keep to yourself. I know I wrote yesterday that I just need one more day of being bummed out, but apparently that was a lie – so just bear with me for one more day of being pissy and then I promise I’ll be back to normal!! You have the Lil Red Guarantee. Anyways, while reading through my psych text book, I began thinking more in depth about my feelings and the way I handle them and blah, blah, blah. I came to the realization that I would rather be upset from things that I’ve caused myself then be upset by an issue with another person. When I held myself accountable for this truth, it all just made so much sense. For as long as I can remember, I’ve pushed people away who have upset me in the slightest, and it’s not healthy at all but it’s just how I’ve always been. In terms of my self harm/bulimia when it happens on a rare occasion, I’d rather myself be doing it because of me – rather than someone else making me upset. Does that make sense? Let me see if I can word it better… I guess it comes down to control. I’d rather be in control of all of my emotions – the good, the bad, and the ugly (which happens to be a great Clint Eastwood film 😉 ) as opposed to having someone bring those feelings onto me. It’s such a foreign thing for me, to have someone else make me feel really really happy or like complete shit. I probably sound like such an introvert right now, but the funny thing is is that I’m one of the most outgoing and fun loving people I know. I suppose it’s when I’m left with just myself that things become different. It’s no secret that I haven’t always loved myself as much as I could have. It’s also no secret that on occasion I’m very unhappy with who I am as a person. I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve had people tell me that they wish I could see myself through their eyes and whatnot, and I wish I could too. But until the moment comes when I’m 100% happy with myself I have to continue to strive for improvement. There’s a lot of things that I can work on, like letting people in even if it’s scary and ending self destructive thought patterns. Saying that I’m my own worst critic is an understatement – I can be such a bitch to myself. Think back to my New Years Resolutions post when I said that I need to work on being my own best friend…unfortunately that resolution isn’t going too hot right now, so I need to get back on the horse and try again. If at first you don’t succeed – try again and whatever, right? So here I am now, drinking coffee from my beloved red mug and thinking about what I can do to get this improvement party started. I guess I can begin with writing some positive affirmations down somewhere where I can see them, like in my school planner and notebook. I can do something nice for myself, which I will be doing this Thursday when I can my nails done – HOLLA because they’re looking a hot ass wreck. I can work on turning my negative thoughts around, no matter how much I don’t believe it. Fake it till you make it, right? It would be nice to think “you’re a fucking rock star” as opposed to “you’re a fucking loser” for a change. So what am I waiting for? Let’s do this. Operation “Be My Own Best Friend” AKA BMOBF is a go once again. Wish me luck!

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Alright guys, mama needs some help getting hyped for this new challenge. So what I need from you is to leave me something that gets you hyped up in my comments. This can be a book, song, movie, piece of art – anything that gets you amped. I wanna hear from all of you so leave me a comment and let’s chat! Much love. -Sarah