I’m so happy to say that I’ve been feeling really good lately! I seriously have no complaints and in the words of the great lyricist of our generation – Lil’ Wayne: “I ain’t got no worries”. (I promise you that that was a joke – even though I do love me some Lil’ Wayne!!) 😉
The good days are finally out numbering the bad ones each week. Two or so months ago the good and bad days were divided pretty evenly through out the week so I never knew what I was going to get each day. Mental health is like a box of chocolates…you never know what you’re going to get. Lame? Ha, sorry 😉 But anyways before I started at my new job at Next and college at Tri-C there would be some days where I would wake up and just feel so bad about myself. I would berate myself for not being in school and for working a shitty retail job in the mall. I would talk down to myself to no end to the point where I would start believing my mean spirited mind. If any of you have read my previous posts, you might know that for a very long time I struggled with bulimia and self mutilation. Even though I’ve been self harm free for over a year now, it was still very easy for me to get the urges to hurt myself. Since I’ve begun on a new journey in life I rarely get those sensations of needing to self harm. I feel good about myself, which is something that I could rarely say before. I feel healthy, attractive, intelligent, and capable. Which is something I haven’t truly felt or believed since I was at least twelve years old, considering my seven year path of destruction began when I was thirteen. I’m feeling the way that I imagined every twenty year old should be feeling. I always pictured people my age to be constantly on the go, always checking in their college planner to see what comes next, and drinking a lot of coffee. Now I’m doing just that – and it’s awesome! I love jet setting around the Akron/Cleveland Ohio area to class, then to work, then to coffee dates with a friend. I LOVE skimming through my planner and filling it with homework assignments, work schedules, and social events. And most importantly, I love this strange feeling of accomplishment I get when I’m driving to Cleveland for school and drinking coffee from a red to go mug. It’s such a small and stupid thing in all reality, but it makes me feel like a college student, therefore it makes me feel good.
The relief I feel to not constantly have urges to self harm in the back of my mind is like having a one million pound weight being lifted off my chest. There’s really no way to describe it other than that. I feel so carefree now, and it feels like it’s been an eternity since I’ve felt that way. The fact that I’m no longer tied down with worries makes me experience all of these good emotions ten fold. Before, when I had a “good” day, I would fear for how I would feel the next day, the day after, and so on and so forth. Having that anxiety even on a good day would suffocate the happy emotions. Now I’m happy and actually feeling it. Not just experiencing a dulled out version of it.
Within these few past months of my new job and college career, I’ve learned that change isn’t a bad thing. I was so afraid of change before. Afraid of what I would do if I wasn’t working at PacSun, since I had been there for four years. But I took a deep breath, jumped into the water and swam off to a new and exciting journey. The water was cold at first, and for a moment I felt like I had forgotten how to swim. But eventually, the water warmed up and I found my flow, and now my life is exactly how I want it to be. Now that I know that change isn’t as scary as I thought, I embrace it wholeheartedly – and for that, I am so thankful.
I hope all of you guys have a terrific Saturday. If you have any questions or concerns, please leave me a comment and let’s chat! -Sarah