Heyyy everyone and happy Memorial Day! (Warning: This post contains references to eating disorders – if that makes you uncomfortable feel free not to read!)

So I’ve been having an admittedly rough time with food lately. I’ve been restricting a lot and the worst part is, is that it doesn’t really bother me…which isn’t good at all. It’s so bad how it’s almost fun to me to see how long I can go without having a bite to eat. During the day I’ll drink at least one glass of a beverage with calories in it like lemonade or orange juice so I can get some sugar in me, but other than that I feel like I’ve put myself back on the “no meal a day” diet – along with a lot of cigarettes. I feel like this struggle would bother me a lot more if I wasn’t seeing visible physical changes every day that I go without food…more prominent collarbones, protruding hip bones – I straight up revel in the pleasure I get from looking in the mirror and seeing something other than fat. During my years of being bulimic, I always told myself that I could never dabble in anorexic behaviors because I didn’t have the will power to do it. But now that I have achieved going days in a row without eating it’s almost like I’ve gained a new skill which is weirdly exciting to me. I remember when the celebrity Meghan Trainer got a lot of backlash for saying that she wasn’t “strong enough” to be anorexic – and she’s right…it’s not a weak mans disorder, so the fact that I have the mental strength that some people just don’t have makes me feel good. Yesterday when I got home in the evening I told myself I would eat, but the thought of eating was disgusting to me and I lost my appetite. I’m one of those people who physically can’t eat if I’m not hungry – I just can’t do it, so when I got home and my appetite was completely gone, I saw no point in making myself eat. Anorexia was always an appealing disorder to me during my extreme cutting and bulimic stages because it was something that no one else would really notice. Losing weight is a good thing to most people, so the disorder could go unrecognized as opposed to the obvious slashed wrists or retching in the bathroom. You guys are probably reading this and thinking about how “crazy” I am and yada yada yada – and I know I’m not making the best choices for myself…But unfortunately, I find joy in these poor decisions which makes it even harder to stop. I know I keep saying that I should go to therapy, but it’s just so unappealing to me. I’m not interested in digging up my past for the millionth time with a different therapist out of the countless ones that I’ve seen before. It really is a cycle of complete misfortune, jumping from one method of self harm to the next – but I just haven’t the faintest idea on what to do when I feel like nothing but beating myself up makes me feel better. Ugh, sorry guys that was so heavy but I really needed to vent…I always find it easy to be super open with my thoughts, struggles, and the way I’m feeling – but it was especially easy typing this considering my iTunes has been playing the most emo music in my collection on shuffle for the past half hour. Lol, shameful.

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I hope all of you guys are having a fabulous Memorial Day! Do you have any exciting plans for the day? How was everyone’s weekend? I want to hear from all of you, so leave me a comment and let’s chat! Much love. -Sarah