Hey there everyone and TGIF! So yesterday when I got home from hanging out with a friend, I checked my Facebook and saw a message from an old friend of mine in regards to my blog. I was complimented on my writing style and most importantly I was told that my own personal struggles with my eating disorder, depression, and self harm were extremely relateable. I felt a lot of things when I read that message…I was grateful that this person liked reading my blog and I felt awesome that my writing was being complimented but I also felt sad that my messenger could relate to some of the problems that I struggle with. So this is me getting on my lifewithlilred soap box to discuss some of my difficulties in the hopes that at least one of you will find solace in the fact that you’re not alone if you can relate to what I’m saying. (Note that this post contains a lot of references to self mutilation. If that makes you uncomfortable, you don’t have to read it!)

I’ve struggled with self harm since I was twelve and my bulimia began when I was around sixteen. I can remember feeling depressed and extremely anxious from as young as ten years old. During the times when I would indulge in my mutilation, I was convinced that it was the only way to make me feel better. I found euphoria in cowering over a toilet with a tear streaked face or holding a sharp object to my arms, legs, or hips and making myself bleed. Sometimes I still think that it’s the only way that I’ll feel okay after something goes wrong. I loved the sense of control that I had over my own personal pain. In my teenage years and even now as an almost twenty-one year old adult there’s so much going on around me that hurts me but I can’t control it. I almost lusted over the fact that I could be in charge of some of the pain that I was feeling. I had this really destructive “if you hurt me, I’ll hurt me too” mentality. I took comfort in the fact that when something upsetting happened, I could take the focus of my pain elsewhere and inflict it on myself. Constant self harm began to make me feel numb enough that eventually sucky situations didn’t even have an impact on me anymore. I walked through life like a zombie, and I was constantly looking for my next fix of mutilation. There came a point when I was vomiting after almost every meal and cutting up to three or more times a day. I would indulge in my addiction anywhere – home, school, work…it didn’t matter, as long as I had my fix I didn’t care where I was…

I’ve been relatively self harm free for about a year now, but I had a lot of set backs this winter. As of now I haven’t cut or purged for over a month which I’m feeling really good about. The message I received last night made me think about some of the darkest years of my life, and how thankful I am to be past them. I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I don’t think about self harm constantly, because that’s not the case. In the popular Canadian teen soap opera Degrassi, which was one of my favorite shows as a teenager, there was a character named Ellie who was a cutter. In one of the episodes after she was self harm free for a while she told someone “I’m always going to be a cutter” and that really stuck with me. It really is so true. Even though I’ve been sober for over a month, there’s still going to be the constant yearning for a quick fix to feeling sad or out of control. After a big meal, there’s always going to be the temptation to go and make myself vomit. This is something I’m going to have to live with for years to come until I feel completely okay with myself and confident in my ability to handle a tough situation without self harm. It’s hard to always have the devil on your shoulder telling you to hurt yourself, but every day that I resist it is one more day of sobriety and that’s something that I don’t want to fuck up. I guess the point of this post is that I want all of you to know that I’m here if you ever need to talk. I promise you that I’ll be able to empathize with your situation probably more than you know and that no judgement will ever be passed onto you. I urge all of you to seek help if you suffer from some type of addiction – whether it be drugs, alcohol, self harm, gambling – whatever. Confide in a friend, family member, or therapist because it’s one of the best things that you can do for yourself. I promise.

On that note, let’s get hyped with a song that many people love or love to hate, for that matter….

YOU’RE GONNA HEAR ME ROAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!!!

I hope all of you have a wonderful Friday and an even better weekend! What are your plans? What’s one of your favorite feel good anthems? I want to hear from all of you, so leave me a comment and let’s chat! Much love. -Sarah