Warning: This post contains references to self harm, if it makes you uncomfortable – don’t read it!

As you guys know, I had a slip up this past week in my self harm sobriety. I realized that during quite a few of my posts I may have glamorized cutting in terms of the way it feels – referring to it as euphoric, heavenly, ect. And yes, it does feel that way to me, but there’s nothing glamorous by any means about it – or what you feel after the deed is done. I’ve seen countless posts and articles online that only discuss how cutting feels during the act of it, but nothing really mentions how you feel after. So let this post be a battle tactic for me to try and scare some of you guys out of even considering self harm for a second. Some people may think that self harm is a quick fix to all of your stressers, but the aftermath is only going to add on to your turmoil ten fold. No one tells you how the first shower you take after you cut burns your injuries like a thousand suns. No one tells you that when you dry your body off afterwards you have to be careful not to get any fibers from the towel in your wounds. No one tells you that your cuts remain an unsightly, infected red for days on end. No one told me that my skin around my incisions was going to get dry as it regenerates and flake off every time I touch it. No one ever told me that the waiting game for how long it will take your cuts to heal goes on for weeks on end. It’s been six days and I still have to disguise my arm with long sleeve shirts, hoodies, and jackets in the middle of spring. No one ever told me that wearing too many bracelets on your hurt wrist was a dead give away that you indulge in self harm – because no matter how hard you try to cover your cuts up, there’s always going to be just a little bit of a hardened scab showing through the beads. But most importantly, no one ever told me and probably has never told you about the looks of disappointment you get from loved ones if they happen to catch a glimpse of your war wounds. There’s nothing that makes me feel lower.

Feeling like you still might want to try to hurt yourself? Let me continue…

No one ever EVER tells you that one single cut can result in a lifetime of addiction. I started cutting when I was eleven or twelve and here I am almost nine years later still struggling. DO NOT end up like me – a twenty something who still fantasizes about hurting herself every time a major problem occurs. Because believe me, ten seconds of heaven is so not worth a constant every day struggle. It fucking sucks. I’ve had people ask me how I’m so comfortable being so open about my own personal situation on the world wide web, and if you’re asking that question about this particular post, then here’s my answer: I wish that someone told me everything that I mentioned above before I self harmed for the first time. Maybe then my situation today would be a lot different.

I hope all of you guys are having a fabulous Tuesday. If you’re struggling with anything at all, I urge you to confide in someone immediately. I’m starting up in therapy again soon and I’m pretty excited – but any confidant will do! And just know that I’m always, always here if you need someone to talk to! Much love. -Sarah