Helloooo everyone and happy Tuesday! I hope all of you are having a great start to your week. I’m doing okay, in case you were wondering. This past week or so I’ve been stuck in this horrible rut of falling just below average as far as how I’m feeling goes. This sub-par cycle that I’ve been in sucks ass…It’s honestly more annoying than anything. Let’s discuss. (Warning: This post contains references to self harm and eating disorders. If that makes you uncomfortable, feel free not to read!)

^^^ It seemed appropriate since we’re going with a Britney motif this post!

So yes, it’s been an annoying week. I’m quite shocked that I’m feeling so blah because when I went to my psychiatrist at the beginning of the month she doubled my dose of Effexor. Now I’m on a considerably high amount and I still don’t feel much of a difference. I suppose in the mornings when I first take my pill I feel pretty good but then by the time late afternoon rolls around I’m ready to throw in the towel for the day. What sucks about these random weeks of feeling shitty is that when I start feeling upset is when I start getting all of these persistent urges to cut or purge…Don’t worry, I haven’t – but it’s SO hard not to. It’s really fucking exhausting, actually. Can you imagine going through the day with thoughts of self harm constantly swarming around your mind like flies? Welcome to my world.

The frustration that comes with this is what bothers me the most because I rarely do succumb to my temptations but they’re always there in the back of my mind no matter what. It seriously feels like a damned if I do and damned if I don’t situation. I mean, I always feel a sense of guilt after the euphoria of a self harm incident but not doing it brings me these insufferable weeks in which self harm is all I think about. I’m so glad that I built up my willpower by going months on end without an incident because if not I would be royally fucked on weeks like this. I feel like my mind is going a million miles a minute and all the while I’m running around like a mad woman trying to keep myself occupied so I can keep my thoughts at bay…It’s no wonder why I’m exhausted.

I know that I should probably go to therapy to help me cope better with my urges but I have this stupid stubborn mindset that if I’m not indulging then I’m okay. My old psychiatrist used to get on me like no other to see a therapist and I always told her that I would, but then I would end up convincing myself that I was fine. I hate admitting that I need help more than anything. I feel like when I start showing signs of instability at home is when I start getting babied and monitored and I despise that. Now when I’m having a hard time I just try to do my best at covering it up. Because I’m such a hard-headed little brat I probably won’t be going to therapy anytime soon but I’m so thankful that I have my blog to express how I’m feeling. I always feel a lot better after a good writing session so thanks for letting me vent!

Well I must be getting back to the ol’ Tri-C grind so I will talk to you all later! Until then, is anyone experiencing something similar to what I’m going through right now? If so, what are some of the coping skills that you utilize? I wanna hear from all of you, so leave me a comment and let’s chat! Much love. -Sarah