Hey everyone and Happy Thursday. So let’s start with some good news to get a bummer of a post started and then we’ll go from there. I got my very first 100% on a math quiz today since like the fifth grade, so that’s pretty exciting! I was seriously so proud of myself I could have cried! Now, onto the sad stuff… (WARNING: This post contains references to self harm, so feel free to not read it!)

I had a bad night last night and ended up having a bit of a slip up on my self harm sobriety. Honestly, things are going to shit at home and I feel so overwhelmed I can’t even take it. I’m not going to put my family’s privacy on the line so I’m not going to go into detail about what’s going on, but just know that it fucking sucks. Things have been not so great for a while, but yesterday night it just seemed unbearable. People were crying, question after question was being asked to get to the bottom of the problem that was happening, it was all just one gigantic shit show. The thing is, the stuff that was occurring really didn’t even have to do with me, but I constantly get thrown into the middle to act as a mediator or messenger or whatever the hell and it just gets SO stressful. I’m always getting problems that I don’t want tossed at me like it’s nothing and I just can’t take it. So last night I was laying in bed with so many different thoughts swarming around in my head like an army of flies. I was worried sick about everything, I was thinking of possible solutions to the millions of difficulties, I was trying to think about anything but cutting…but it didn’t work. Literally as soon as I got the idea in my head I got up, turned the light on, and grabbed my chosen sharp object. I haven’t cut probably since the beginning of February, but the thought of backtracking was only in my mind for a split second, because as soon as I made the first incision I was in heaven. Seriously, it was euphoric and I fucking hate that it feels that way to me. Slicing up my arm should hurt, but it doesn’t. I get into this void like place in my mind where I think about nothing, and I only snap back to reality when I realize I’m bleeding and my arm feels like it’s on fire. The worst part is, is that I didn’t even feel bad about it last night. After I was through doing what I had to do all I could think about was the fact that my arm hurt and that took away all of the other thoughts flying through my mind at a hundred thousand miles per hour. I’m paying the consequences now because I feel like shit about it, but I know that I can’t beat myself up about it for forever. If I get into the guilt trip mode I’ll just keep on slipping up and I can’t have that. So now it’s time to just take the situation for what it is and get back on the horse and try again. It just sucks that it’s always so fucking hard.

^^^^ My sister and I are seeing The Used in concert in Cleveland in like two weeks and I’m so excited! My emo kid fantasy is finally coming true!!!

Sorry that was such a bummer guys, but I really needed to vent about it before I go on with my day. I hope all of you are having a beautiful Thursday and please know that if any of you ever need to talk, I’m always ALWAYS here! What’s going on this weekend? Any exciting plans happening? I wanna hear something fun from all of you so leave me a comment and let’s chat! Much love. -Sarah